


All The Things I Should Have Done

by whyidontknow1



Series: I Would Do Anything For You [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Closeted Character, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Songfic, Top Harry, Top Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 14:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1307605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whyidontknow1/pseuds/whyidontknow1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Louis was eleven years old when he realized he liked boys, but it had already been ingrained in him at a much younger age that it was unacceptable to be that way. So he worked extra hard to bury that part of himself, and he was really good at it until he met Harry. </p>
<p> <br/>Song AU where Harry loves Louis enough to let him hide until he doesn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All The Things I Should Have Done

**Author's Note:**

> It’s sort of a literal interpretation and sort of not. I suggest you listen to 'When I was Your Man' by Bruno Mars if you haven't heard it.
> 
> Louis is sort of a prick, but I think it kind of fits the song.
> 
> Morbid person that she is Kaitlin wanted the same sad ending as the song, but I could never write an unhappy ending for Louis and Harry so there’s a warning for those who may want the requested ending, but if you read past it beware there’s a very sappy and happy ending.

Louis was eleven years old when he realized he liked boys.

There had always been something different with him when it came to girls, but eleven was the age he could actually identify what it was.

That kind of revelation is a big deal at any age. For Louis it was nothing less than traumatic. The realization that he was gay not only caused nightmares, but it filled him with so much fear that he forgot how to breathe sometimes. Because even as young as he was it had already been ingrained in him that it was unacceptable to be gay.

_They’re disgusting. Lower than animals, the lot of them. Queers are not welcome here._

Those are some of the tamer slurs aimed at the gay couple who moved into a house a few streets over from Louis’ family when he was five years old.

By the time he turned seven Louis was used to the derogatory comments and jokes. He has vivid memories of people moving away from the two men as if they had some kind of contagious disease. He also remembers the not so subtle whispers that must have been humiliating for them. 

Years later Louis watched a schoolmate get bullied and threatened with physical harm for being brave enough to come out. Seeing someone treated that way just because of their sexual preference added another dimension to the already paralyzing fear that already consumed him, and he decided then that he’d rather die than be treated like his schoolmate and the couple who had long since moved away from their neighborhood.

As a result Louis made every effort to rid himself of any physical trait that would cause his sexuality to be questioned, and it didn’t take him long to realize playing football helped him achieve the image he wanted. He realized after a big win against a rival team that he wasn’t faking the passion for the sport, and he became more dedicated than he’d ever been before. He started to train harder, working tirelessly at perfecting his craft, and in no time he became one of the top players in his school.

The top player status followed him throughout his uni years and his name preceded him by the he entered university. In his second year at the University if Wellington, Louis was voted team captain. It was around the same time that he found out girls really liked footie team captains even if they were majoring in drama.

As a result Louis was never without a date when he wanted or felt like he needed one. Heavy partying helped foster the image he put on for the world and to anyone paying attention he was a living and breathing example of a sports playing, party going, lady loving lad.

The sad part is that Louis became really good at living the lie. He perfected it so much that he almost forgot about the scared little boy who was terrified of admitting that he liked boys.

It stayed that way until Louis’ last year of university. The year he met Harry Styles.

*****

“I’m fucking exhausted,“ somebody moans as the team pours in from the field after a particularly grueling practice.

“Coach was an arse today,” Niall Horan, one of Louis’ best friends speaks up next. 

Louis is tired and sweaty. The only things he wants is an ice pack for his shin and a hot shower, in that order. He’ll complain about practice once he’s clean and in a little less pain.

With that in mind HE heads for the trainer’s office, but he stops in his tracks when he notices the head coach on the other side of the room shaking hands with the most stunning boy he’s ever laid eyes on.

Louis doesn’t mean for his feet to stop. They just do, and he stands transfixed, unable to look away from the boy in the black tee and blue jean cutoffs with a camera hanging around his neck.

Louis is still standing in the same position when he hears his name being yelled, but it takes him another minute to realize Coach Ezel is beckoning him over. Somehow he gets his feet to move, and with butterflies in his stomach, he walks over to the coach and the boy with the camera.

“Harry, this is Louis Tomlinson, the team captain and the person you’ll be working the closest with,” Coach Ezell makes the introductions, but Louis barely hears him because he’s too busy looking into the most incredible pair of green eyes he’s ever seen.

“Tommo, this is Harry Styles. He’s doing an in depth article on the team for the Campus News. Sort of an expose’, and he’ll be interviewing the players and taking photographs for the most of the season. I need you to work with him yeah. Introduce him to all the players, help him set up interviews, and the bit. Whatever he needs, yeah?”

“Hi,” Harry speaks, holding out a hand Louis is reluctant to take, which he makes obvious by quickly ending the contact. Then in a defensive move he clasps both of his hands behind his back.

“I hope this isn’t going to be a bother for you,” Harry says with a frown on his face.

Louis is positive it’s because of the way he jerked his hand away. “Shouldn’t be,” he answers, intentionally standoffish, more affected by the deep timbre of Harry's voice that he’s comfortable with.

“Good job, lads,” Coach Ezell breaks in. “I’ll leave you to it then. Harry, nice meeting you, and I should have a concrete date for the first interview with the coaches by Monday. Check with me then, will you?”

“Uhm, you should probably give me your number so we can keep in touch,” Harry tells Louis when they’re alone.

Instead of verbally responding to the request Louis holds his hand out for the reporter’s phone. After he puts his name and number in, he gives the phone back to Harry before turning and walking away.

“Can’t wait,” Louis says sarcastically over his shoulder, but under the hot water it’s a different story. He can’t stop shaking from the encounter. He’s been attracted to boys before. Of course he has, but it’s been nothing compared to the feelings Harry stirred in him.

He knows for the first time the façade he’s worked so hard at perfecting is seriously threatened. He also knows he can’t let that happen, and because of it he takes his frustration out on the easiest target. The person posing the threat.

Rude is a polite word for how Louis treats Harry when they’re alone. He can’t risk any of his teammates questioning his animosity towards the reporter so he tones it down when they’re around his teammates.

Ironically, the other boys on the team take to Harry right off. It’s even more irritating to Louis because Zayn Malik and Niall Horan are among Harry’s newfound friends. It’s not fair because they were Louis’ best mates first, as well as his roommates and it infuriates him seeing how fast they hit it off with Harry.

To his credit, Harry ignores Louis’ behavior. He keeps showing up. Always polite, always irritatingly friendly, and always too fucking attractive for his own good.

His presence keeps Louis on edge and the fourth week after Harry started writing the article Louis takes his frustration to another level.

The team suffered an embarrassingly nasty loss two days before. Topping it off, Louis had an exceptionally bad practice. It doesn’t helped that he’s had bad practices all week, and the coach chose this one to call him on it. In front of the entire team. Worse than the public humiliation of being yelled at by Coach Ezell, is the fact that Louis knows his inability to concentrate is because of his overwhelming attraction to Harry.

Super annoyed at himself and embarrassed, Louis stays on the field while the other boys head to the showers. Only after doing sprints and kicking the ball around until he’s too exhausted to think Louis makes his way to the locker room with his the ball under his arm and his head held down.

He hears the click of the camera right before he crashes into the warm body and like he’s been doing from the moment they met he lets Harry have it.

“What the fuck are you doing here? You can’t just sneak up on people like that! It’s fucking creepy!” Louis snaps louder and meaner than he’s ever gotten with Harry.

“I’ve been here all along, Louis,” Harry responds quietly.

“That’s even creepier. What are you some kind of stalker or you just a qu…,” Louis is about to say quack when Harry pushes him so hard he stumbles, and the ball dislodges from the hold he had on it.

“Fuck you, you arsehole!” Harry yells. “Yeah, I am _queer_. What about it?” he challenges, but when Louis doesn’t respond Harry leans down to pick up his backpack. “Fuck you, Louis,” he repeats before walking off.

Louis is too stunned to call Harry back. He can’t believe Harry actually thought he was about to call him queer. He’d never in a million years use that word, but after the shock wears off Louis can see how Harry would easily come to that conclusion considering the way he’s been acting.

Harry's gay. His sexuality isn’t a secret. He made it a point to let the team know, but as far as Louis knows no one gives him any flack for it, not that any of them would dare. They’re all aware that Zayn would rip them a new one if they even attempted to.

Zayn's bisexual and except for a couple of ignorant teammates who quickly learned to keep their opinion to themselves, he’s treated like any other player on the team.

Unfortunately Zayn's acceptance does little to ease the fear that eats at Louis. Actually, he plays the role of one of the accepting teammates, no matter how much of a hypocrite it makes him.

It’s a hard pill to swallow as Louis makes his way off the field, and a day later he still can’t believe the confrontation happened. It bothers him even more when Harry doesn’t show up for the team’s practice.

Louis knows without a doubt that it’s his fault, and mind is still full of Harry when he comes out of the showers only to be stopped by an excited Niall.

“Party tonight. Ned’s putting it together right now.”

Louis isn’t shocked by the information, but he just can’t bring himself to be excited about it. The impromptu bashes are a common occurrence on Friday nights if they don't have a game or practice the next day. 

“Sounds good,” Louis responds with false enthusiasm, his first thought is that there’s a good chance Harry will be there. His second thought is that mixing Harry and alcohol probably isn’t such a good idea considering.

That’s why hours later Louis is sat alone in his dorm room looking for a movie to watch after begging off the party at the last minute, claiming a stomach bug. He’s almost asleep when he hears a soft knock on the door, and Louis gets up from his bed really hoping it’s not one of his occasional dates trying to get him to come out.

He gets his wish, but he can’t prevent the look of astonishment when he sees Harry on the other side of the door.

"Hi."

“Do you think I could come in for a minute?” Harry asks timidly when Louis fails to respond to his initial greeting.

“Yeah, sure,” Louis finds his voice and he stands aside to let the last person he expected inside. “How’d you know I was here?” he adds after closing the door.

“I was hoping to run into you tonight, but Niall said you decided to stay in,” Harry explains, watching Louis warily. “You didn’t go because of me.” 

The distress on his face makes Louis feel like an even bigger arse. “Yes, but not for the reason you’re obviously thinking.”

“I don’t know what I did to make you dislike me so much, but I thought you should know that I’m going to talk with my editor to ask if he’ll let another reporter finish the assignment. I was saving your interview for the end of the season. It wouldn’t be a complete article without your input, but I think it’d be best if someone else took over.” Harry tells Louis, never breaking eye contact.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Louis says, the words sounding like an exasperated plea, but Harry talks over him.

“Is it because I’m gay?”

“No, of course it’s not that. Listen, I swear I was going to call you a quack on the field yesterday. I would never call anyone queer no matter how much of a jerk I can be,” Louis stops just short of an apology, and pushes off the door to move closer to the upset boy.

“Then is it because of my stupid crush on you? I asked Zayn not to say anything. I know you’re straight, so it’s no big deal. I wouldn’t have crossed any lines, I promise,” Harry says.

Louis feels like he’s been punched. “Zayn didn’t say anything about a crush,” his voice is a decibel above a whisper.

“Then I don’t understand. What is it? What have I ever done to you?”

Harry's question is full of confusion and bafflement, but instead of shaming Louis, the anguished plea makes him angry enough to speak without thinking.

“You’ve fucked up my life, that’s what!” he almost shouts. “I was doing fucking fine until I looked at your beautiful fucking face! Do you know that? Now I go to bed thinking about these amazing green eyes, and this head full of wonderful curls. I even wake up thinking about them, and all I can see is your stupid fucking face. I can’t concentrate for shit. I spend half of my time wanting to kiss you, and the other half wanting to throttle you for daring to be friendly with the other boys on team. You make me want things I can’t have. Things I’ve never allowed myself to hope for. So that’s what you’ve done to me, Harry. You’ve gone and royally fucked up my life. I hope you’re fucking happy about it!”

Louis is breathing heavy and shaking by the time he finishes, and the shocked silence gives his brain time to catch up with his mouth. “Fuck!”

One second Harry stands looking at Louis with a deer caught in the headlights expression. The next second he crashes into the stunned team captain, and captures his lips before he has a chance to react.

Louis has kissed before, would probably consider himself a pro at it, but not one experience comes close to the feel of the full pair of lips sliding against his. He doesn’t try to hold back a groan as he reaches up to latch onto Harry’s shoulders. 

He moans again when Harry begins sucking on his bottom lip and he offers no protest when Harry licks into his already open mouth. The wave of desire that rocks Louis at the first feel of Harry's tongue against his goes straight to his crotch, and he instinctively rubs against Harry’s thigh.

Louis snaps from the fog of desire when Harry returns the pressure. He breaks away from the kiss, pushing against Harry’s chest. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” he says between breaths, wincing when he sees the confused look on Harry’s face.

“You wanted that as much as I did. Don’t deny it," Harry accuses, and the lack of uncertainty in his words scare Louis.

“I'm not denying it, but it’s not that simple. I don’t want to, but I like you a lot, Harry . Probably more than a lot, but I'm not out. I don't know if I ever will be, and I can’t ask you to be a part of that. I won’t ask you,” Louis says firmly, and all of a sudden the past choices he’s made concerning his sexuality settle over him like two ton weight, but just as the hopelessness of the situation sinks in Harry speaks up.

“Then don’t ask, let me make the decision on my own. I want you, Louis, and if this is how I get to be with you I’m taking it without a seconds hesitation. Don’t push me away when I’m willing to come in on your terms,” he almost pleads.

“I don’t think you get it. Whatever we do it has to stay between us. Our friends can’t know, our families can’t know. There’ll be no dates, no public displays of any kind. I’ll still go out with girls and only acknowledge you as a friend when we’re around other people. You’ll be my secret. That’s all I could give you and I hate myself for it,” Louis looks down at the floor, not wanting to see the disappointment in Harry’s eyes. He tried to paint the graphic picture for his sake just as much as he did for Harry’s because he doesn’t think he has the strength to turn Harry down if he’s really serious.

Louis keeps his eyes lowered half expecting the now quiet reporter to walk out of the door and not look back, but when he feels a finger under his chin lifting his face, Louis can’t say he’s surprised by that either.

“I’m still here, still willing,” Harry responds softly before pulling Louis back into his arms.

“Are you really sure about this?” Louis asks for reassurance, afraid to believe what he’s hearing.

“More than sure,” Harry answers against Louis’ mouth, and the miniscule amount of resistance he has left vanishes.

“Harry,” Louis breathes. Everything feels so good and scary at the same time. Harry’s lips feel different from the girls Louis has kissed in the past, but better in a way he never dreamed. His body is responding in a way it never did with girls and Louis’ doesn’t quite know how to handle it so he gives Harry total control.

He exposes his neck when Harry moves down to suck on his pulse and he can’t prevent the shivers that take over him when Harry slips his hand under the tank he has on to lightly graze his fingertips over his lower back.

“Your room,” Harry whispers against Louis’ ear.

“I share with Niall,” Louis has a moment of clarity

“Should I leave?” Harry asks, stepping back, giving Louis just enough room to miss his touch.

“He won’t be home tonight. Niall always gets too drunk to function so now he has an honorary bed wherever the team parties,” Louis mutters, all of a sudden shy. “Theo may as well live with his girlfriend. He’s never here, and Zayn said not to expect him until sometime tomorrow. He has a _promising date.”_

Louis doesn’t know where things are headed. He doesn’t even know if he’ll be comfortable with more than a few kisses. The only thing he does know is that he’s willing to find out.

“I can stay then?” Harry sounds hopeful, and Louis’ heartbeat speeds up.

“You can stay. At least for a few hours,” he responds, turning to walk to his bedroom, trusting Harry will follow him. He thinks it would probably even be safe for Harry to stay overnight, but that’s a risk he won’t take. Getting caught is not on his agenda. Even the thought scares the living daylights out of him.

The fear quickly turns to need again when Harry spins him around the second after they enter the bedroom. Nothing else matters by the time Harry slips his tongue into Louis’ mouth, only the sensations coursing through his body.

Louis is back to being powerless by the time Harry pushes him down on his bed and promptly falls on top of him, their feet dangling over the edge of the bed. It becomes an almost surreal experience for Louis as Harry takes his time discovering all of his pleasure zones.

It’s all so new and so unexpected that Louis feels like he’s on the outside of his body looking at what’s happening to him. When Harry pulls him up to lift his shirt over his head, Louis is nothing but a mass of tingling nerves and overwhelming anticipation. 

Things only come to a screeching halt when Harry drops to the floor on his knees and starts pulling down the cut off sweats Louis has on.

“Wait,” Louis sits up abruptly, grabbing Harry’s hand. “I’ve never done this before,” he says breathlessly, for the first time noticing how affected Harry is.

His lips are swollen from so many kisses, his face is flushed and he’s breathing just as heavy as Louis is. “I know this is your first time with a boy, but I promise a blowjob is a blowjob. Doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or girl,” Harry responds reassuringly, but it only makes Louis more embarrassed.

The truth is if he lets Harry do what he wants he’d be Louis’ first experience with actual sex because he’s never been able to go further than kissing with the few girls he’s dated. Louis’ reputation for being a ladies man is based on the lies of girls who didn’t want to be the one he turned down, but Louis always accepted it for what it was, and so far he’s been really lucky to not be called out on it. The girls he dates get to be seen with the captain of the football team and in turn he gets the reputation he wanted.

Except now Louis hates it because Harry obviously believes the rumors. “I wouldn’t know either way,” he says honestly, looking up at the ceiling instead of Harry.

“But…,” Harry starts, but Louis cuts him off.

“All lies that just happen to work in my favor.”

“So, you’re a virgin?” Harry asks bluntly, frowning.

“Does that change anything?” Louis asks, kind of offended at Harry’s lack of tact.

Harry lays his head on Louis thigh and for about a minute his breathing is the loudest sound in the room. “Not if you trust me enough to let me take care of you,” his voice takes on a different tone.

Louis finally looks at Harry. He can’t see his face, but he gets an eyeful of Harry’s silky curls.

Louis’ first instinct is to reach out and run his fingers through them like he’s wanted to do since that first day in the locker room, but fear makes him withdraw his hand. As much as he wants to touch Harry, he just can’t.

“I trust you. It’s me I don’t trust,” Louis whispers shakily, so nervous he feels like getting up and running.

“Can I?” Harry lifts his head and places his hands back at the waistband of Louis’ shorts.

Louis nods because he can’t get his vocal chords to work and he trains his eyes on the ceiling again. When that doesn’t work he closes them, willing his earlier excitement to return. He cringes when Harry pulls the joggers all the way down and it feels like his entire body is blushing. He’s warm all over and completely soft. Harry has to be disappointed seeing him that way, but Louis can’t bring himself to look.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, tears stinging his eyes.

“For what? You’re beautiful, Louis,” Harry responds softly, but Louis is having a really hard time believing him. He’s too self-conscious about the current state of his cock.

Louis almost jumps out of his skin when Harry places a soft kiss on his thigh. He has to grab the sheets to keep from squealing out loud.

“I’ll stop if you want,” Harry mouths against Louis’ skin. “We can take this slow,” he raises his head, looking at Louis with breathtaking tenderness.

If Louis’ eyes were open he’d see the look, but because they’re not he misses it. “Don’t stop,” he actually closes his eyes tighter, but he just manages not to jump when kisses his thigh again.

From there it’s a battle between nerves and escalating need as Harry continues to press kisses against Louis’ thighs, the lower part of his stomach, and any part of Louis’ skin his mouth can reach. Louis is just turned on enough to moan when Harry finally wraps a hand around his semi hard cock, and places the first tentative kiss the sensitive head.

Louis shoots up on the bed when Harry takes the entire tip into his mouth, and begins licking around it. Harry meets Louis startled eyes, and he moans before taking Louis deeper into the silken heat of his mouth.

All of a sudden Louis is having a little trouble breathing. He drops back down on the bed and he goes from semi to full on hard in the space of a few seconds. He’s never even allowed himself to think about having sex with a man. Sometimes his dreams betrayed him, but to Louis they were like wanting to go on a vacation he knew he could never afford. His dreams of being with a man were just as out of reach, and he quickly pushed them from his mind.

Now all he can do is fist the sheets tighter and give himself over to the sensation of Harry’s mouth and tongue. All of the nerve endings in his body responds to every swipe of Harry’s tongue, and in no time he’s moaning freely.

Louis’s hips seem to have gotten a life of their own too. They’re playing a game of push and retreat, and under Harry’s guidance, Louis begins to thrust into his mouth with abandon.

“Fuck, Harry!” Louis gasps, and he’s thrown into limbo when Harry unexpectedly pulls off, gripping his thighs so painfully Louis thinks somethings wrong.

It may last for five seconds or maybe five minutes for all Louis knows, but it feels like almost instantly Harry’s mouth is back on him, sucking him earnestly now. It doesn’t take long after that. All it takes it a few twists of Harry’s wrist and a couple of flicks of his tongue before Louis feels his body tensing up.

He comes so hard he sees white sparks behind his eyes. Never in a million years of masturbating did he ever experience a feeling even close to this. It’s everything and too much at the same time. Louis bites the back of his hand as the tremors rock his body.

Harry only pulls off when Louis starts pushing at his shoulders. He kisses his way back of Louis’ body and he rests his head on Louis’ shoulder, breathing raggedly. “You were amazing,” he whispers after a few minutes, lifting up to look at Louis.

Louis takes in Harry’s face too. The dazed look in his eyes, the film of sweat on his forehead, his flushed cheeks and swollen mouth. Most of all he marvels at how wrecked Harry looks, like he had the same or an even better experience that Louis did.

Again Louis wants to run his fingers through Harry’s hair or maybe caress his face. He just wants to initiate some kind of contact, so badly he aches from the need, but he doesn’t know if it’s allowed. He has no clue about after sex etiquette with a boy. Or anyone actually and because of it he starts crying.

Deep sobs shake Louis’ body. He can't stop crying. He cries even harder when Harry lifts off of him likes he’s been scorched, but Louis is comforted a few seconds later when Harry carefully repositions him so that his entire body is on the bed. Louis can’t stop crying though, not even when Harry lays down beside him and wraps his arm around him.

“I’m so sorry, Louis,” Harry says softly, almost pleading. “I acted like a complete tosser. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“No,” Louis can only manage the one word, and shakes his head vigorously against Harry’s chest.

“Shhh,” Harry says soothingly. “It’s all my fault. I’ve just wanted you so bad, for so long. I couldn’t control myself, but I won’t fuck up like that again, I promise,” he holds Louis tighter.

As much as he wants to Louis is too emotional to correct Harry. He buries his face as deep as it can go into Harry’s neck, and he cries until the tears stop. By then he’s so emotionally spent he’s not even embarrassed by the fact that he’s naked and Harry still has all his clothes on.

“I’m a totally starkers and you’re not,” Louis points it out anyway, albeit a little shakily.

“Here, I can fix that,” Harry hurriedly reaches for the throw at the foot of Louis bed before covering him with. Harry doesn’t join Louis under the throw, but he pulls him back into his arms as soon as he lies back down.

“How did you know this was my bed?” Louis asks, realizing he never told Harry which bed was his.

“I guessed, but it was easy seeing that Niall complains a lot about your inability to pick up after yourself,” Harry explains and Louis can hear the relief in his voice. He’s relieved too and feeling calmer with each passing minute.

“That little weasel,” Louis complains. “It’s not that bad today," he thinks he’s telling the truth. He can’t really remember, but he refuses to move his face from its resting place in the curve of Harry’s neck to be sure.

“It’s really not that bad,” Harry agrees. “Just what looks like about two weeks worth of laundry on the floor,” he adds innocently.

“Okay, you’re the weasel now,” Louis smiles against neck and he has the urge to kiss the patch of skin. Of course he doesn’t and it makes him sad again.

Harry must sense the mood change. “Hey, please don’t cry again, okay?”

Louis can’t stand the distress he hears in Harry’s voice, and he decides to be up front. “I’ve never allowed myself to think about what it would be like to have sex with a man,” he confesses, almost whispering. “I wouldn’t watch gay porn because I didn’t want to see what I couldn’t have. I even stopped masturbating when I was fifteen because I couldn’t get off without thinking about boys. I honestly never thought I’d ever experience anything like this and it was a little overwhelming.”

“That has to be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, Louis,” Harry responds, voice tight with emotion. “Can you ever forgive me for rushing you into this?” he sounds so remorseful it can’t be anything other than genuine.

“Harry, stop please,” Louis demands adamantly. “I’m not blaming you for anything. I was upset because I didn’t know how to act afterwards. What you did to me was better than amazing and I wanted to touch you, but I didn’t know if I could. Just now I wanted to kiss your neck, but same thing. I didn’t know if it was okay, and now I feel like an idiot. A twenty one year old repressed idiot who doesn’t know anything.”

“You’re not an idiot. Far from it, and you can touch me anytime or anywhere you want. I’d really like it if you did,” Harry takes Louis’ hand from under the throw and plants it on his chest, pressing it with his own hand.

“Does that include your hair?” Louis asks, nervously playing with the buttons on Harry’s shirt.

“Anywhere, Louis,” Harry stresses before lifting Louis’ hand up to his hair.

Harry’s curls are just as soft and springy as Louis imagined and he takes his time running his fingers through the silken locks.

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Louis confesses, moving his hand to tangle in the curls at the back of Harry’s head. “It feels just like I dreamed it would.”

“I swear I want push you to do anything you’re not ready for again, but I really would like to kiss you right now,” Harry breathes, looking soulfully into Louis’ eyes.

“Okay,” Louis agrees, feeling a little bold. He leans in first, initiating the kiss before Harry can.

The feeling of power escalates when Harry moans and Louis slips his tongue into Harry’s mouth, reveling in the fact that this him, Louis Tomlinson, kissing a boy with all his might.

Louis can’t enough. He dislodges his other arm from where it’s trapped between his and Harry’s body. he links it with the arm already behind Harry’s neck and he sinks deeper into the kiss, ravishing Harry’s mouth expertly because kissing he can do.

“Uhm, do I need to do something for you?” Louis rests his forehead against Harry’s when they break apart. Louis’ body might want more of Harry. He just doesn’t think he could handle it on an emotional level. Not tonight, but he knows Harry must need some kind of release.

“No, I kind of finished before you. Tomorrow you’ll probably have bruises on your thighs to prove it,” Harry says bashfully.

“Is that normal?” Louis asks, awed by the admission.

“Never happened to me before,” Harry responds quickly before kissing Louis again, possibly to end the line of questioning. “So, we’re still doing this. I haven’t scared you off?” he asks when they end the kiss.

“No, but are you sure, Harry? You deserve so much better than what I’m offering you,” Louis gives Harry another chance to back out. He has to.

“I don’t want better. I want you,” Harry leans down for another kiss and even as Louis opens his mouth to Harry’s insistent tongue, he knows he’s making the most selfish decision he’s ever made in his life by giving in.

Add in his pride and ego, and Louis had them fighting a losing battle from the beginning.

*****

Louis holds up his cup to a cheer somebody just made, but he has no clue what it’s for, he’s just following along with everyone else.

It’s New Year’s Eve, and he's the happiest he ever remembers being. At the same time he’s almost crazy with missing Harry.

They’ve been doing their thing for almost four months and it’s better than Louis ever dreamed, but they’ve been separated since the Christmas holidays. The pain of missing Harry got so bad Louis almost bailed on the New Year’s eve party in favor of sneaking up to Cheshire to see Harry, but he had already agreed to make the trip with Niall.

Still probably the real reason he didn't bail is because Harry had plans too. The last time Louis talked to him he said he was bringing in the New Year with a couple of his childhood friends. So instead of suggesting they meet up somewhere, a disappointed and horny Louis kept his plans to attend the New Year’s bash with his teammates.

Still, he can’t get enough of Harry. Even though they haven’t progressed much past wanking each other off and giving each other blow jobs, it’s way more than Louis ever dreamed he'd experience. Although It would be a gross untruth if he said he enjoyed blowing Harry the first couple of times, but once the fear of doing something wrong and getting used to the taste on his tongue Louis started enjoying giving just as much as he enjoyed receiving.

Actually Louis would rather give because nothing compares to seeing Harry fall apart for him, and if he were with Harry that's exactly how they'd celebrate the New Year.

It's not all about the sex though. Louis would just love to see Harry period and that’s the reason his eyes widen in pleased surprise almost an hour later when he spots the very person across the room standing beside Niall.

Louis’ first instinct is to run over and kiss Harry senseless. He thought it’d be at least another week before he saw Harry again and being able to touch him right now supersedes anything else in Louis’ mind.

Moving on instinct, he eagerly starts to make his way over to Harry, but when it finally clicks in his brain what he’s about to do, Louis comes to a full stop. At the same instant Harry looks up, and Louis watches with a racing heartbeat as Harry greets him with an enthusiastic wave.

There’s nothing in the greeting that would raise suspicions if anyone happened to be paying them any attention, but Louis is shaken by what he almost did in front of his teammates, and in a dick move he acknowledges Harry with an almost imperceptible nod before turning away. He’s just not fast enough to miss the disappointment in the green eyes that still haunt his dreams.

Needing to erase the image, Louis grabs a cup of whatever’s being passed around and he drains the contents in one swallow. Not done, he grabs the first girl who walks by him.

Louis pulls his willing partner to the area designated for dancing, trying to ignore the battle his conscious is having with his ego.

As usual his ego wins and Louis ignores Harry the rest of night. He doesn’t interact with Niall either, but that probably won’t matter to Harry.

Louis is still dancing with the same nameless girl when the loud countdown for the New Year starts. He knows it’s irrational considering the way he’s been acting, but he wants Harry to be his first and only kiss of the New Year. However his dance partner has other ideas and when he goes to give her a quick peck she locks her arms around his neck to initiate a full on snog.

Not wanting to draw attention by pushing her away, Louis kisses her back, but he counts silently to ten before he pries her arms from around his neck. He leaves the girl standing where she is and he immediately seeks Harry out with a lead weight in his stomach. The weight gets heavier when he spots Harry walking out of the door into the cold night.

Louis knows he fucked up big time and he waits an anxious five minutes before finding Niall to feign a headache. He almost jumps for joy when Niall tells him he gave Harry his key to their hotel room since he wouldn’t be using it.

Louis calls Harry as soon as he steps outside. Of course he doesn't answer, but Louis wasn't expecting him to. Instead of calling again Louis sends Harry an urgent text to let him know that he’s headed back to the hotel.

Despite taking responsibility for his actions, the selfish part of Louis won’t ignore the fact that Harry knew what he was getting into. He knew Louis was in the closet, but that doesn’t stop Louis from blurting out an apology when he makes it to his car and finds Harry sitting on the hood looking down at his phone screen.

“I’m really sorry about all of that. I didn’t plan on kissing her,” Louis says hurriedly.

“You’re in no condition to drive and do you really want to discuss this out here?” Harry responds dryly without looking up.

Thrown off by the events of the entire night, Louis stays quiet. Instead he gives Harry his keys before climbing in the passenger side of his own car. He’s not really that drunk, but he knew better than to drive. He planned on walking the two blocks to the hotel, but Louis breathes out a sigh of relief when Harry slides off the hood before getting into the driver’s seat.

Harry doesn't say a word the entire ride and when they’re safely inside the room he walks over to one of the beds, sitting down while Louis stands with his back against the door. Almost a repeat of the night Harry came to his dorm room all those months ago.

“I’m glad you're here,” Louis breaks the chilled silence.

“Are you?” Harry responds cynically, keeping his eyes on the floor.

“Please don’t be angry, Haz. I really didn’t want to kiss her,” Louis pleads, knowing Harry loves it when he calls him by the pet name.

“This is not about a fucking kiss, Louis,” Harry says incredibly. “You do know that the world won’t explode if you speak to me when we’re around other people. No one is going to know about us if you hold one shitty little conversation with me. Or is it a problem with people thinking we’re friends as well? Is the Tommo too much of a man to be seen with the gay boy? Is that it, Louis?”

Louis grasps that it’s going to take more than an apology from the amount of hurt in Harry's voice and he walks over to sit beside him on the bed. “Harry, you know that’s not true. Everybody knows we’re friends now.”

“Then what was all that about?” Harry asks angrily.

“I thought it would be at least another week before I’d get to see you again. Then there you were, talking to Niall,” Louis answers with the truth. “I was so unbelievably thrilled to see you and I was on my over to kiss you before I gave it a thought. When I realized what I was about to do I got scared and I acted like a class A jerk. I’m really sorry. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m disappointed, but I’m not going anywhere. I just missed you and I wanted to surprise you,” Harry replies, sounding resigned, but all Louis cares about is Harry not giving up on them.

“I missed you too,” Louis replies, determined to erase all traces of sadness from Harry and he kicks his shoes off before lying back on the bed. “Come here, please,” he holds his arms out and for the first time since the brief eye contact at the party Harry looks him in the eyes.

“Yeah,” Harry yields, and immediately sinks his face in the hollow between Louis’ neck and shoulder after kicking his own boots off.

“You should know that I genuinely wanted my New Year’s kiss to be with you,” Louis whispers into Harry’s curls.

“It’s still New Year’s, innit?” Harry asks, tilting his head back.

“Yeah, it is,” Louis answers already lowering his mouth, heart almost beating out of his chest. “Now that was a New Year’s kiss, Styles,” he says breathlessly when they break apart. He goes right back in, kissing Harry tenderly and reverently.

Louis doesn’t know who makes the first move, but somewhere mid kiss the intent changes. It goes from asking for and receiving forgiveness to hot and sensual.

This occasion is no different from any of the other times they've been together and as usual things escalate quickly. In no time Louis and Harry are both stripped down to nothing, writhing against each other on the bed.

Harry kisses Louis’ neck, extra careful not to bite or suck too hard, but Louis wants to be marked. He wants to mark Harry too. Just once he’d would like to let go and screw the consequences.

“Want to have sex with you. All the way this time,” Louis confesses breathlessly. He might not be brave enough to tell the world he’s gay, but he can make Harry happy in another way. It’s something he’s been planning as a birthday surprise for Harry anyway, but it seems more meaningful to do it now.

“What?” Harry sounds disbelieving.

Louis knows he’s given Harry plenty of reason to doubt him, but he wants to fix that now. “I’m ready, Haz. I don’t want to wait any longer,” Louis is happy that he’s at least telling the truth about that. The being ready part is debatable.

“Please don’t be fibbing,” Harry pleads, breathing hard all of a sudden.

“I’m not,” Louis reassures Harry by pulling his head down and kissing him until he has no choice, but to believe.

“Okay, I want you to fuck me,” Harry whispers when they break apart for air, and he moves off the bed to grab the overnight bag he dropped at the door when they came in.

“I want that more than anything,” Louis watches intently as Harry walks back to the bed with lube and condoms in his hand.

“Came prepared, did you?” Louis asks, trying to smile, but he’s too nervous.

“I’ve been hoping for this for a long time. Wanted to be ready just in case,” Harry says by way of an explanation, looking at Louis with the same intensity.

After that it’s a matter of patient instruction and Louis’ nervously doing what Harry tells him to. Because he knew they’d get to this point one day he watched a few gay pornos and did some research on the internet. He even practiced fingering himself so none of what Harry tells him to do catches him by surprise, but he’s can’t help being scared that he might hurt Harry in some way.

Harry’s response quickly dispels Louis’ fears. He’s moving on Louis’ fingers with so much wild abandon that it has Louis in a small state of awe.

Seeing it played out on his computer screen is one thing, but experiencing it for himself is mind blowing. Knowing it’s his fingers that’s causing Harry to moan and writhe like he is gives Louis confidence he didn’t know he possessed and he goes deeper, searching for a small piece of hardened flesh that he read would give your partner intense pleasure if you stroked it.

Louis feels a since of triumph when his finger grazes Harry’s prostate. Still, he’s not prepared when Harry jerks his hips, and almost knocks him off the bed.

“Louis, fuck!”

“Shit, mate, I’m sorry,” Louis panics, and slides his fingers out of Harry a little less gentler than he would have under other circumstances.

“No! No! It was good, trust me,” Harry rushes, breathing hard. “Really good,” he adds on a shuddery breath.

“Really?” Louis asks, still unsure. Harry’s reaction scared the fuck out of him.

“Try it again,” Harry urges, almost sounding like he’s begging.

Louis quickly obeys, gingerly sliding one finger back inside Harry before he can think himself out of it, and he’s rewarded when Harry starts moaning and moving his hips erratically.

“I need more, Louis,” Harry moans, and Louis starts to insert another finger, but Harry grabs hold of his wrist. “No, I mean I’m ready.”

“Oh,” Louis responds, lost. He knows what Harry means, and he knows what to do. He just can’t get his body to move.

“It’s okay, we can wait,” Harry says with understanding in his eyes. “There’s always tomorrow.”

“No, I want to,” Louis reassures Harry. “It’s just that this is really a big fucking deal and I don’t want to mess it up,” he laughs uneasily, and fuck it if he doesn’t feel tears stinging his eyes.

“Here, let me,” Harry says gently, sitting up.

Before Louis realizes it, he’s lying on his back, and he maybe gets the shock of the night when Harry opens one of the condoms which he promptly rolls it over Louis’ hard cock.

Louis can only stare in wide-eyed fascination when Harry straddles his thighs and then positions himself in a way that leaves little to the imagination. Louis gasps harshly when Harry starts to sink down on his cock.

Harry takes it slow, and by the time he’s all the way seated, Louis can hardly breathe at all.

“Haz!”

“Just wait, it gets better,” Harry braces one of his hands on Louis’ shoulders.

“How?” Louis asks, not so sure he believes Harry because it feels pretty fucking good right now. He thinks it’s probably a crime for something to feel so good.

Louis is so caught up in the sensation of just being inside Harry it catches him by surprise when Harry lifts up and drops back down.

“Oh,” Louis gasps, electric sparks shooting up and down his spine.

“Told you,” Harry brags shamelessly before Louis a repeat performance. This time he doesn’t stop. He keeps on with the up and down motions, rendering Louis helpless in the process. He’s a powerless mass of need, but it doesn’t last long because the faster Harry moves the more frantic Louis’ need becomes.

“You can move too if you want,” Harry says between huffs of hot air, his words jarred by his movements.

“Do you want me to?” Louis lifts his hands to Harry’s hips by some unknown instinct. It’s been torturous trying to keep his own hips from moving, but he’s still afraid of doing something wrong.

“Yes, please,” Harry stops moving, and he watches Louis through blown pupils.

Louis takes in Harry’s sweaty forehead and flushed face. His breathing is choppy and harsh, and Louis knows for a fact that he’s never seen a more beautiful person in his life.

“You’re so beautiful, Haz.”

Louis couldn’t hold the words in to his life, but if it causes Harry to throw his head back and moan like he’s doing now, Louis is willing to compliment him all the time.

“Faster,” Harry rasps, his grip tightening on Louis’ shoulders when he complies. “Fuck, Louis! You’re good at this.”

Louis almost asks what he’s good at, but he realizes he’s moving his hips. Apparently the way Harry likes.

“Am I?” Louis seeks reassurance and digs his feet into the mattress at the same time. If this is how Harry wants it, Louis is definitely not going to deny him.

“The best,” Harry moans, knees pushing deeper into Louis’ sides.

Louis is positive Harry’s only trying to boost his confidence, but he doesn’t care if Harry’s lying because it feels so good. At this point Harry could say anything, and Louis wouldn’t care. He only cares about the rhythm they’ve built and the brazen sounds coming from Harry’s throat. Sounds that make Louis’ hip motions wilder and wilder.

“Can’t hold on much longer,” Harry says, his face twisted like he’s in pain.

“What do I do?” Louis asks, feeling like he might burst into flames at any minute, but the need to take care of Harry is more urgent.

“Keep moving,” Harry demands before grabbing his own cock. He rubs his hand over the tip, and then he starts pumping his hand frantically.

Louis was intimidated the first time he saw Harry’s dick. It’s impressive to say the least, but after giving his first blow job, Louis became fascinated with it. He’s not ashamed to admit that as far as dicks go he thinks Harry’s has to be the most perfect dick on the face of the planet.

“Louis,” Harry sounds desperate.

“What?” Louis tears his eyes away from Harry’s hand, only to be arrested by the look in his eyes.

“You stopped moving.”

“Oh,” Louis face heats up, but he starts rotating his hips again, immediately picking up the same pace he’d set before getting awestruck by Harry .

“Just like that,” Harry breathes, eyes closed now and hand still working furiously on his cock.

Louis imagines that it’s his hand jerking Harry off and that’s all it takes for him. He comes so hard his vision whites out. “Harry!” he moans, still thrusting, trying to hold on to the sensation.

“Shit, Lou, I’m coming,” Harry cries out before decorating Louis’ chest and stomach with his come.

Louis is too busy trying to breathe through his nose again to pay attention to the mess on his torso. He looks at Harry with wonder in his eyes, and he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind. “Are you sure you didn’t mind seeing me kiss that girl because I like the thought of my boyfriend being a little jealous.”

“Your boyfriend?” Harry asks breathlessly, his chest still heaving.

“If that’s something you’d want,” Louis can’t help the nervousness that springs up because he really needs Harry to say yes. Still, somewhere in the back of Louis’ brain, probably in the space that allows him to ignore feelings of guilt and condemnation, he thinks concessions are probably going to be the best bandages to the wounds he gives Harry.

“I’m sorry, but how would that work exactly?” Harry’s eyes are full of doubt.

“If you’re asking if I’m ready to tell the world that I’m gay the answer is no, but I am ready to be with you and only you. No more seeing anybody else and no more pretending we're casual,” Louis conveniently ignores the fact that he hasn’t had a single date since he started seeing Harry.

“I can live with that,” Harry smiles and leans down for a bruising kiss. “Sex was that good, huh?” he adds when he lifts back up.

Louis is still inside of Harry and he’s still half hard. He has no idea if he’s ready for round two, but he tests it with a slight push of his pelvis.

“Fuck!” Louis inhales sharply, reeling at the shockwave that travels through him. With the already filled condom it’s gross. At the same time it’s one of the most sensual things he’s ever experienced, and Harry must feel something similar because he’s already hard again and staring at Louis with intent in his eyes.

“Is this normal?” Louis asks when Harry starts moving his hips in a slow rotation.

Harry shrugs before bending to get in Louis’ face. “For us, maybe.”

*****

Louis smiles saucily before Harry delivers a sharp bite to his neck. Then all thoughts of smiling and anything else fly right out of his head.

Harry has him pushed up against the door of his family’s bungalow and they both moan when Louis slides his hand between them to palm Harry through his jeans.

Things have been so good between them since New Year’s. Time seems to have flown by since that almost disastrous night and now they’re already facing another holiday. One they get to spend together.

Louis feels like they've become more desperate for each other since officially becoming boyfriends. Which makes sense seeing that it happened on the same night they had sex for the first time, but it's been tough because they hardly get any alone time because of their course loads and roommates. Even with Harry having all the material he needs to write his article, they’ve only managed to spend a few nights alone together.

Still they’ve been making it work, and they jumped at the chance for some alone time when Harry’s parents offered him the cottage behind the main house for the holidays, but Harry being the good mate he is, he invited Zayn and Niall when they said they didn’t have any plans.

Because of a group assignment Niall can’t get away until Sunday, and Zayn decided to wait and make the drive up with him. That not only gave Louis an excuse to drive up with Harry today, but it also gives them two whole days before Niall and Zayn join them. It’s even better because Harry’s parents are leaving for a weekend visit with Harry’s older sister. So Louis and Harry stopped by on the way to the small cottage to make introductions and for Harry and his parents to say their goodbyes.

Without the threat of interruptions or being caught, and no worries about keeping their noises to a minimum due to thin walls, Louis and Harry barely made it through the door before ripping at each other’s clothes.

It’s an overwhelming thrill ride from beginning to end, and before he falls into a sex hazed sleep with Harry wrapped securely in his arms, Louis admits that he’s in love with the boy who’s all but turned his world upside down.

The next morning the smell of tea lulls Louis awake and when he opens his eyes he spots the cup of steaming liquid on the bedside table. Just the thought of Harry making it for him puts a fond smile on Louis’ face as he stretches then snuggles beneath the plush duvet.

Only the thought of spending more solo time with Harry before their mates arrive the forces Louis from the confines of the comfortable bed, and after taking a sip of the hot tea he leaves the room for a quick shower.

Fifteen minutes later Louis is squeaky clean and dressed in a pair of jeans, one of Harry’s sweaters, and white socks. He foregoes shoes in favor of grabbing his tea, and then he sets off to find his boyfriend.

Louis doesn’t have to search long before he finds Harry in the tiny kitchen. He just doesn’t expect to find Niall and Zayn already sitting at the table with him. Louis most certainly didn't count on walking in on the conversation they appear to be having.

“You told me about your crush, but this?” Zayn’s looking at Harry with a teasing smile.

“I knew you guys had become really close, but this is totally unexpected,” Niall joins in with the same teasing light in his eyes and Louis' heartbeat starts racing as he continues listening in on a conversation he really hopes he’s not hearing.

“So how long have you two been…?” Zayn asks, leaving off the other unnecessary words. Harry’s head is bent, but Louis can still see how flushed he is.

“Yeah, exactly how long?” Niall adds.

“Shagging since the middle of October, exclusive since New Year’s,” Harry responds, and Louis drops the cup of tea. The sound of the ceramic mug breaking has the three faces at the table turning to face him, all of them wearing similar expressions of surprise.

“You told them. You fucking told them!” Louis accuses, glaring at the person he just realized he’s in love with. The person he trusted more than anyone else on earth.

“It’s not what you think, Louis,” Harry starts, but Louis is too focused on the fact that someone else knows his secret.

The panic that comes with the knowledge leaves no room for reason. “Fuck you! I heard you, I heard every word," Louis says accusingly. "You’re a real prick, Harry. You promised me and I trusted you!” he shouts, and the tears falling down his face are the only indication that he feels something more than anger.

“Louis, you really need to calm down. You’ve got it all wrong,” Zayn attempts to stop him.

Louis looks away from Harry’s pale face to look at his teammate. “I don’t think so. I know what I heard and it’s a really shitty thing you did, Harry. So, fuck you,” he spits, turning his harsh gaze back to his deadly quiet boyfriend.

“Counting the two times last night I’d say you’ve been doing a smashing job of that for the past three months,” Harry snaps back, his eyes sparkling with anger.

Now more hurt than ashamed, Louis turns and walks out of the kitchen. He grabs the hoodie Harry tore off yesterday and he ignores his tea soaked socks before stepping out of the bungalow.

Louis really doesn’t have anywhere to go. It’s his first time in Harry's hometown, so he just walks around to back of the small cottage before collapsing in one of the deck chairs. He peels the wet socks off, and roughly wipes away tears that won’t stop falling. Giving up, Louis leans back, shutting his eyes and losing track of time while playing Harry’s betrayal over and over in his mind.

“Harry didn’t do anything wrong,” Zayn speaks from behind him, startling Louis because he didn’t hear the midfielder step out on the terrace.

“I really can’t do this right now, Zayn,” he moans painfully, but Zayn ignores him.

“I’m serious, Lou. You’re making a huge mistake.”

“Why do keep saying that? Did you forget I heard him?” Louis asks, exasperated that they seem to be ignoring that particular fact.

“Actually, we heard you,” Zayn comes around to sit on the lounge beside Louis.

“You heard me what?” Louis says angrily, his patience gone.

“Does, _Fuck! Harry feels so good!_ ring a bell? Or what about, _Fuck, gonna come!_ ” Niall says over Louis’ head, laughter in his voice.

“What are you guys going on about?” Louis asks nervously, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach now.

“Cut it out you wanker,” Zayn orders Niall, but it looks like he’s holding back his own smile. “As you can see Niall and I decided to come down early, but when neither you nor Harry answered your phones last night for us to let you know we stopped at the main house, and Harry’s mum told us where to find the extra key. We really thought you guys had gone out for a meal, but the second we stepped in the door we heard noises. I’m sorry, but it was obvious what the noises were,” Zayn explains, and tears fill Louis’ eyes.

“Yeah, and you guys were really graphic. Burnt me ears, you did,” Niall chimes in, still finding humor where there is none for Louis.

“I’m sure you understand why we didn’t interrupt, and when we confronted Harry this morning he tried to deny it, but really how could he? Just like you can’t now, and you should know that he was worried about you the entire time. He even wanted us to pretend we only made it here this morning to spare you,” Zayn takes over again.

“Please be joking,” Louis begs in disbelief.

“Sorry, mate,” Zayn eyes him sympathetically before his expression turns serious. “Louis, do you think less of me because I’m bi?”

“Of course not, but I see the looks some of the guys give you,” Louis responds out defensively.

“Ask me if I give a fuck, and you shouldn’t either,” Zayn rages.

“He’s right, you know. There's nothing wrong with you being with Harry. Fuck, Louis, there’s nothing wrong with being gay and you shouldn’t worry about ignorant arseholes who might think so,” Niall finally sounds serious, and he squeezes Louis’ shoulder.

“But I do worry and I’m asking you guys to please not tell anyone about this.” Louis is resigned to the fact that Zayn and Niall knows his secret, but the thought of anyone else finding out still frightens him to the point of making him feel sick.

“We’re your friends, Louis, and it kind of sucks that you don’t trust us,” Zayn responds sadly.

“This is so not about trust, Zayn. My own mum doesn’t know,” Louis tries to make his friend understand.

“I’m really sorry for you,” Zayn says, giving Louis compassion he knows he doesn’t deserve.

“I am too,” Louis sighs, lying back on the chair and closing his eyes again.

“So, is this thing you have with Harry serious?” Niall asks after the conversation stalls.

Before today’s events the thought of talking about his feelings for Harry would have crippled Louis, but in the space of a couple of hours he feels kind of relieved to be able to confide in someone. “I’m in love with him,” he says simply, with a little awe.

“Does Harry know that? Because he seemed pretty sure whatever you two had is over now,” Zayn says.

“When he wasn’t calling you some very unHarry like names,” Niall adds, the humor back in his voice.

“Fuck! What have I done?” Louis moans before covering his face with his hands.

“Why don’t Nialler and I go explore this quaint little town. That'll give you and Harry sometime to talk,” Zayn offers sympathetically.

“Yea, and if we find a pub that offers grub and draft don’t expect us back for some time,” Niall chimes in, and as usual his Irish accent becomes more noticeable when he talks about food or beer.

“Thanks, mates. I couldn’t ask for better friends, and I'm sorry for being such a prick,” Louis tells Niall and Zayn sincerely, then adding, “Could you keep your phones close just in case I’m made to leave?” because Harry’s his ride.

“Don’t think it’ll come to that, but yeah,” Zayn reassures Louis.

“I guess I’ll see you both later then?” Louis gets up from the deck chair. He nervously brushes his rear off before heading back inside the bungalow to face the consequences of his actions, and the first timid knock on the bedroom door he and Harry shared the night before goes unanswered, but Louis knows Harry’s inside so he tries again.

When there’s still no response Louis opens the door and walks in to find Harry lying on the bed with his back to him.

“Get out, Louis,” Harry mumbles without turning around.

“Niall and Zayn told me what really happened,” Louis hedges, shaken by the steel in Harry’s voice.

“Bully for you.”

“I shouldn’t have acted like that and I truly regret it,” Louis pleads, but Harry remains silent. “I know I messed up and I can leave if you’d like.”

“Do what you want, Louis. I really can’t bring myself to care right now,” Harry finally speaks, crushing Louis in the process, but he can't give up that easily. He moves over to the bed, climbing in behind his angry boyfriend and tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I want to stay, Haz. Do you think you can forgive me for being the biggest jerk on the face of the planet? You have to know what it sounded like when I walked in on that conversation. All I could think was they know my secret now and that you betrayed me.”

“You should know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t do something like that. It’s been almost eight months and I’m even lying to my parents for you so why would I pick just some random time to expose your secret, Louis? To expose us?”

Put like that Louis feels even worse. Harry may not beat him over the head with it, but Louis knows how much it bothers him to be less than honest with his family about them. His mum especially.

“I know that now. You know I’m kind of relieved because now I get to tell someone how amazing my boyfriend is and how much I love him,” Louis confesses, and Harry’s sharp intake of breath causes his heart rate to speed up.

“Don’t fuck with me right now, Louis.”

“I am in love with you, and I think the fact that I’m not a total basket case right now says something,” Louis puts a little pressure on Harry’s shoulder to get him to face him. “Don’t give up on me,” he pleads when Harry turns onto his back. His heart shatters when he sees the dried tear streaks.

“Small steps?” Harry says with pain filled eyes, bringing his arms up to wrap around Louis’ neck.

“Small steps,” Louis agrees softly, but he feels like a royal arse. “I’m really sorry for hurting you, Haz.”

“S’okay,” Harry whispers, and that’s all it takes for Louis to know he’s forgiven.

“No, it’s really not. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m too selfish and too in love not to accept it.”

“I love you too. Probably have since the first time we met,” Harry sighs.

The tender confession humbles Louis, but it makes him uneasy too. “Can I kiss you now?” he asks to distract himself from the troubling feelings.

When Harry nods his permission Louis lowers his head and softly presses their lips together. “I won’t hurt you again,” he vows, pulling away from the short contact.

For a brief second it looks like doubt clouds Harry’s eyes, but Louis loses the thought when Harry pulls him into another kiss.

*****

“We need to talk,” Harry says blankly.

"I know,” Louis sighs resignedly, because he knew they’d be here one day. He knew that one day Harry would look at him like he was a stranger with no trace of emotion on his face.

Deep down Louis has always known it. Just like he's always known that Harry was right to doubt him all those months ago when he promised to never hurt him again.

It was never intentional on Louis’ part, but he’s hurt and disappointed Harry more times than he cares to admit. Looking back on it he finds it hard to believe that Harry forgave him every single time.

A mere three weeks after the disaster with Niall and Zayn, Louis topped it by ditching Harry when they were on date to go and hang out with his friends. At first he tried to excuse his actions because how was he supposed to know three of his teammates would choose to go to the cinema on the same night as him and Harry.

A night that was supposed to be for Harry to celebrate the rave reviews he got from his editor over the article. They planned it meticulously, even choosing a theatre miles away from the campus, and since Louis had never heard of that particular one he was confident they could go as a proper couple. He really wanted Harry to have the night of his life.

They just didn’t count on Louis’ teammates being there. They definitely didn’t count on the boys inviting themselves to watch the movie with them. One of them even sitting in between Louis and Harry, and if that wasn’t enough to ruin Harry’s night, when the movie ended Louis agreed to go to a bar with his teammates.

They invited Harry too, but he begged off. Just like Louis could have, but he didn’t, and although Harry didn’t speak to him for more than week, he eventually did.

Louis was a mess when he finally received a text from Harry saying his roommate had left for the weekend, and to atone for his bad behavior that time he let Harry top for the first time. They had never discussed it before, and they never talked about it afterwards, but that night it felt right. More importantly, once again Louis managed to save his relationship with Harry.

In retrospect Louis realizes Harry was onto him by then, but he had fooled himself into believing they were happy. Looking at Harry now he admits that he’s just been good at ignoring the things he didn't want to see.

“I know I fucked up bad this time, but…,”

“This is more than about you fucking up, Louis,” Harry responds sharply, and he’s right. Of course he’s right.

They’ve been living together since Louis graduated from college eight months ago. Harry still had a year to go, but they decided to move in together anyway. Still under the guise of being just friends and roommates.

They even pay for their purchases separately when they do the grocery shopping together, but Harry counted the fact that Louis would even go with him at all as a small step in the right direction.

Louis didn’t agree or disagree because the thought of coming out still scared him senseless, and as a result he put other conditions on his and Harry’s other outings together.

He’d only go out to dinner with Harry if Zayn, Niall, or both of them tagged along. Harry could join them on their weekend footie games as long as he kept his distance. The only area where Louis drew the line was going out to clubs with Harry. It only took a few times for him to stop altogether because he couldn't stand the guilt from seeing Harry’s face while he watched the people on the dance floor.

Harry loves dancing, but it was a given that Louis wouldn't dance with him. On the one occasion he stupidly encouraged Harry to accept a dance from a stranger, Louis became a jealous idiot. He left the club early, and didn’t speak to Harry for two days. Consequently Harry started going out alone.

Louis never asked Harry about those nights. He couldn't, but maybe that was a problem because Harry stopped going altogether. He became a little distant in the process, but still he put out the effort to make things work between him and Louis.

That is until today, and although he’s stubborn to a fault, Louis knows Harry’s anger is completely justified.

Louis has had a week of Harry not talking to him to think about things and now he realizes how wrong and cowardly it was of him to kick Harry out of their bedroom when Stan, his best friend came down for the New Year’s weekend. At the time all Louis could think about was keeping his secret from Stan.

Harry said he was hoping for a quiet celebration in when Louis informed him of the visit. He suggested that Stan come down some other time, but Louis refused to even consider it because he hadn't seen his best friend in months. Not since they went to France together in June, courtesy of graduation gift from Louis’ grandparents.

Maybe Louis should’ve considered how slighted Harry felt when he learned that Stan was getting the extra ticket Louis’ grandparents provided, but Harry said he understood when Louis told him that his best friend practically invited himself. Harry was even the one who pointed out that it would look strange if Louis took him instead of Stan, and Louis agreed although he really wanted to take his boyfriend to France.

Harry knows that. Louis made his feelings clear before he left and when he returned. That’s why things probably wouldn’t have gone so wrong this time around if Louis had delegated Stan to sleeping on the sofa, but he allowed his best friend to share with him. Essentially making Harry a third wheel.

To make matters worse Stan was his boisterous and obnoxious self. He kept Louis up late with loud music, beer, and wild stories, and that was after they stumbled in from the bar where they celebrated the New Year.

Harry was there, and so was Niall and Zayn, but something was off with Harry the entire time. He was nice enough to Stan, but for the most part he ignored Louis in favor of giving most of his attention to their friends.

Louis really intended to talk to Harry before the night ended, but time slipped away from him, and when he came back to their table from bringing in the New Year's doing a shots battle with Stan, Harry was gone. Louis was too drunk to remember his own name by the time he finally made it home, and when he finally woke up sometime the next afternoon there was a note from Harry saying he was staying at Zayn’s for the night .

_By the way Stan can have my room if you can do without him for that long._

Louis knew Harry was put out with him even before he read the cryptic last line, but he was a little put out himself after he had to assure Stan that he hadn’t done anything to upset Harry. He proved it when his haggard looking boyfriend came home the next day by greeting him with a thanks for making Stan feel bad, and he watched as shock then disappointment crossed over Harry’s face.

_“After putting up with your shit for all this time are you really going to talk to me about Stan’s feelings, and speaking of feelings do you even know what yesterday was?”_

The hurt in Harry's voice stopped Louis from making the snippy remark on the tip of his tongue. Instead he racked his brain for the answer to the question, and then he remembered. Of course Harry wanted to stay in instead of going out for New Year’s, and he probably made special plans for them to boot.

_“It was our anniversary. I’m so sorry, Haz._

Louis wanted to add that he didn't associate New Year's with their anniversary because in his heart they were together long before they officially became boyfriends, but either way it looked like their anniversary didn't mean anything to him so he kept quiet. He didn’t think Harry would believe him anyway.

_"Yes it was, and you're always are sorry aren't you, Louis?”_

The words were harsh and angry, and Louis knew there was nothing he could say or do to fix things. Harry was finished with the conversation too, and Louis was in no way surprised when Harry went to his own bedroom that night. That was a week ago and now after six days of tiptoeing around each other here they are.

Until Harry opened his bedroom door Louis was still optimistic that they could work things out. Harry not leaving gave him reason to hope. Looking at Harry now, Louis realizes it was wasted hope.

“I thought you should know that I’m leaving.”

Louis knows instantly that Harry doesn’t mean for a few days, and although he knew it would come to this one day, he’s still not prepared.

“I really thought I could do this, but I was wrong. I’m sorry for every shitty and unfair thing that caused you to be the way you are, but I'm not going to be the one to pay for it anymore, Louis.”

Louis gathers the courage to meets Harry’s eyes dead on, and he instantly has to resist the urge to look away. “I’m sorry, Haz.”

The apology is for all the pain he’s ever caused Harry. Every bit of which was displayed on his face.

“Do you know all I’m left with is wondering would we have even gotten this far if you hadn't fucked up all those times, and the really morbid thing is, I’ve been waiting to see what you’d do to make it better this time. What was it going to be, Louis? Would you have offered to let me fuck you again?”

“That’s not fair, Harry,” Louis says quietly, his voice pained.

“Maybe the saddest part out of all is that I’ve been hoping against hope that you'd realize what we have is special and rare, but you never have, and it’s not fair to me to keep waiting for something that probably won’t ever happen,” Harry sounds and looks resigned. “You may not see it now, Louis, but it’s not fair to you either. I really hope you find some kind of happiness and peace, but I can’t do this anymore."

As much as Louis wants to respond, he can’t. Harry’s words rendered him speechless, and when Harry sits the keys to the apartment on the nightstand by their bed, Louis still can’t get his throat muscles to work.

*****

“Fuck!”

The harsh word bounces off the walls in the dark bedroom before settling in the pit of Louis’ stomach.

No matter how much he's tried to tell himself he’s ready for tonight, he's just not. 

Louis knew the day would come when he’d have to face Harry again, especially with Zayn and Niall being both of their friends. He just never imagined it would be to see Harry and his new boyfriend.

Perhaps it would be easier if Louis didn’t desperately want to see Harry. Or maybe his heart wouldn't feel like crushed glass if he wasn't still so in love with his ex, but he is, and seven months apart hasn't changed that fact.

Sighing, Louis rolls onto his side, and he's reminded for the thousandth time since Harry left how much bigger their bed seems without him. Harry’s almost six foot frame always took up so much space, and his tendency to move wildly in his sleep made the bed seem even smaller sometimes.

Louis used to tease Harry endlessly about his sleeping habits, but now he’d give anything to feel like he's about two inches away from being pushed out of the bed.

Louis fights bitter tears, wishing more than anything that it was just the bed, but he still feels Harry everywhere.

There's not a restaurant Louis can eat at, a movie or television program that he can watch, or a song he can listen to without it all somehow leading back to the perfect boy who gave him everything.

It’s even a difficult task for Louis to purchase groceries from the supermarket where he and Harry used to shop at because he always ends up picking up something Harry would have bought.

Harry used to litter their apartment with flowers, and most of the time that’s what ends up in Louis’ trolly. The same fucking flowers that used to bug him so much, but now he fucking misses waking up to vintage roses on his pillow.

_"It's the stalk,"_ Harry drawled the one time Louis teased that he didn't know roses could last long enough to become vintage. He still didn't get how the stalk made it a vintage rose, but Harry did, and that was all that mattered.

It’s an ironic fact that they’d still be together if Harry’s feelings had mattered at all to Louis, and Louis wouldn't be preparing to have is heart stomped on.

He’s still haunted by the last words Harry spoke to him before walking out. After all this time Louis can still hear the truth in them, and in the end that’s why he let his boyfriend go without a fight. Harry deserved better than him. He always had.

Still there was a small part of Louis hoping that Harry just needed a breather, but that hope was dashed when Niall and Zayn came and collected all of Harry’s belongings two days after he left. Three weeks later Harry quit his part time job, took a break from university, and moved back to the small town he grew up. He put the final nail in the coffin by leaving it to Zayn and Niall to break the news to Louis.

Just like Harry left it up to their friends to tell Louis that he kipped with Niall the weeks after the break up, and that he’s been working as a part time reporter for the local paper since moving back to Holmes Chapel.

Sometimes it seems like Niall and Zayn feel it’s their duty to keep Louis informed of Harry’s every action, and although Louis knows they aren't being intentionally callous it does little to lessen his heartbreak. The mere mention Harry’s name does more damage than it should after seven months.

Because of that, and because he doesn’t want to be the person bringing everybody else down, Louis hasn't seen Zayn and Niall in almost a month.

It’s easier to end a phone call if it turns to the subject of Harry than it is to end a face to face conversation. It’s also easier to hide emotions behind a phone, and Louis has needed the protection more than ever this past week.

“Shit!”

Like thinking about it made it happen Louis’ phone rings, startling him, but he’s not surprised to see Zayn’s face when he lifts it from the nightstand.

“Hey babe, what are you up to?” Zayn asks before Louis can say hello.

“Wondering what I’ve let you talk me into, that’s what,” Louis replies a little more forcibly than he means to. He knows Zayn's just making sure he hasn't cancelled, but he’s a little too tense for small talk.

“We’ve already been through this how many times this week, Louis,” Zayn says after a drawn out sigh. “You’re both in a better place now, and tonight will be good for you, trust me. You need closure just as much as Harry does. It’ll be easy peasy, you’ll see.”

It’s the same pep talk Zayn’s used over and over the past week, and not one time has it helped Louis feel better about the upcoming meeting with his ex.

“I really need you there because Niall was called into work, and it’ll be awkward with just me, and Harry and Liam.”

Louis has heard in one conversation more than he ever wanted to hear about the fit sports reporter Harry met when he started working at the _Holmes Chapel Gazette_ , but Zayn seems oblivious to the fact because he can’t stop talking about him.

“I’ll be there. Not a second past nine,” Louis reassures Zayn on an exasperated sigh even though he’d been counting on Niall to be another buffer between him and Harry.

Niall’s job as a trainer slash biologist at the local aquarium requires him to be on call on his long weekend off, and although it’s rare, he has been called in before. The fact that it happened tonight of all nights makes Louis think it might be a sign that he shouldn’t go.

“Promise?” Zayn asks like he’s reading Louis’ thoughts.

“I promise, Zayn,” Louis bites his bottom lip to keep from adding _I won’t be there_.

“Thanks, mate,” Zayn sounds relieved. “You won’t regret it,” he reassures Louis, but it’s a failed attempt.

Louis isn’t reassured. “See you in a bit,” he ends the call no calmer than he was before it.

Although Zayn could be right, maybe it’ll be easy.

All Louis has to do is go to the bar, say a few pleasant words to Harry and his friend, have a drink or two then leave.

“Shouldn't be too hard,” Louis mutters, thinking if he doesn’t die of a broken heart first.

For all his wisdom Zayn got one thing wrong. He said Louis and Harry are both in a better place now, but he’s way off base. At least in Louis’ case he is.

On the one blind date Louis braved since Harry left he spent the entire night comparing the woman whose name he can’t even remember to everything that was Harry. After that disaster Louis didn’t try to date again, and when his coworkers continued to try to set him up with their female friends, he came out to them.

Months later, and Louis is still astonished at the lack of reaction his confession received. A couple of his fellow teachers cooled towards him noticeably, but he’d been prepared for a lot worse. He also lost count of the times he was called braved immediately after his admission.

Louis always smiled when one of coworkers said that to him, but on the inside where it counted he knew the compliment was wasted on him. It belonged to someone who wasn’t the exact opposite of brave.

Someone who wasn’t a coward, and all anyone had to do was ask Harry to find out that’s exactly what Louis was.

*****

There’s no doubt that Louis has made choices that have caused him to be more at peace with himself since Harry left, but he’s nowhere near happy. Whoever said that time heals all wounds didn't know what they were talking about.

Louis is still raw inside, and the feelings intensify when he steps onto the street outside of his flat. He pulls the collar of his denim jacket closer, and stuffs his hands in the pockets in reaction to the slight chill in the air. The bar is only three blocks away, and he hopes walking the short distance will kill time and keep his mind clear of the futile thoughts that eat at him constantly. Thoughts of what could’ve been if he had just done things differently.

After the initial shock of the breakup wore off Louis went through a period where he foolishly blamed Harry for everything that went wrong between them. Louis felt like he was honest with him from the beginning. Harry knew what their relationship would be like, but subconsciously Louis knew it was a bullshit argument. He knew that every word Harry said to him was true, and in the end Louis was left with the knowledge that he was just hadn’t been a good person.

The thought alone is enough to make him want to turn around, but he keeps walking, and despite walking at a snail's pace Louis arrives at the bar much sooner than he wants to.

To give himself some needed time he stands just outside the doors to the bar, watching customers walk in and out. The music and chatter coming from inside probably sound like a good time to most of the people passing by, but to Louis it’s another agonizing reminder of what’s waiting for him inside.

It’s just bad for him that he can’t continue to stand outside the entrance without looking weird, and on that thought Louis pushes the doors open.

The noise is louder inside, and his eyes have to adjust to the dim lighting before he can do a quick scan of the tables for Zayn. Louis turns to dance floor when he doesn’t spot his friend, and it doesn’t take him long to see an achingly familiar face.

The sight of Harry on the dance floor swaying to an unfamiliar song stuns Louis so much his body jerks in reaction, and he stands transfixed, staring at the man he still loves more than life.

It’s only when someone grabs Harry’s hand and spins him around that Louis realizes his ex is not dancing alone, and even in the soft lighting he can see how attractive Harry’s dance partner is.

They’re obviously enjoying themselves, both of them moving in perfect rhythm with the music, and to Louis, the reporter looks fit enough to be playing sports instead of reporting it.

Louis is still glued to the same spot when a slower tune comes on, and though he has no right to be he's relieved when the Liam person leads Harry off the dance floor. Even if his arm is behind Harry’s back as he guides them through the small crowd of people.

Louis continues watching the pair with sad eyes, realizing the poetic justice in seeing someone treat Harry the way he should have.

Harry's friend leans in to say something after they sit down at a table on the other side of the bar, and Harry throws his head back and covers his mouth with his hand. Louis can’t hear him over the noise, but he’s all too familiar with the over the top sound Harry makes when he laughs, and seeing his face transform takes Louis’ breath away.

“Hey, stranger. Didn’t know if I’d recognize ya seeing that you’ve been in hiding, but your arse does it everytime,” a familiar voice whispers in Louis' ear, and he's so relieved he wants to hug the owner.

“I don’t think I can do this. He looks so happy,” Louis nods in the direction of Harry and his friend, who at the moment is looking around the bar like he’s searching for someone.

“How else do you want him to look?” Zayn asks, throwing an arm across Louis’ shoulder and pulling him in.

“It’s not that, I just don’t want to ruin it,” Louis explains. “Would you believe me if I told you I left my wallet back at the flat?”

“Louis, you’re the man who not three months ago stood up in a teacher’s meeting, and informed most of your coworkers that you’re gay. This is nothing compared to that.”

“It was only a handful of teachers, and you’re making it sound more dramatic than it was.”

“Don’t you dare try to downplay what it took for you to do that. You are by far the bravest person I know and don’t you forget it.” Zayn demands seriously.

“If you’re trying to win the best friend ever award you’re doing a smashing job of it,” Louis says, in no way teasing.

“Don’t make me kiss you, Tommo. Because I will,” Zayn finally gets something that resembles a smile out of his nervous friend. “Seriously, tonight you’re only reconnecting with Harry and being a supportive friend to me. I can't believe I'm getting to meet that handsome bloke after all this time, and don’t forget Harry wants you here. So let what’s meant to happen happen.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Now on a scale of one to ten fingers how do I look?” Zayn asks, and Louis doesn’t know if it’s a real question or a joke, but either way his answer would be the same so he holds up both hands, wiggling his fingers for good measure.

“I’m going to be sick,” Louis says when the moment is over and after the comforting squeeze Zayn gives him does little comforting.

“No you’re not. Now take a deep breath and let’s go say hello,” Zayn orders, and funny that Louis has no choice other than to follow since Zayn’s arm is still draped around his shoulder.

When they’re a few feet away from the table Louis notices when the Liam fellow taps Harry's arm before nodding in his and Zayn’s direction, and Louis forgets to breathe when astonishing green eyes look their way.

The wide smile remains on Harry’s face, but Louis sees the instant the happiness fades from his eyes. Which happens to be the exact moment he makes eye contact with him.

The connection only lasts a brief second, but it’s long enough for Louis to regret coming even more.

“Zayn!”

“Hazza! It’s so good to see you, mate.”

Harry and Zayn hug tightly, rocking animatedly from side to side, and Louis stands awkwardly behind Zayn watching the display of affection. Feeling left out, he glance over at the dance floor while the two men talk quietly, and when they pull apart Zayn turns and motions Louis forward.

“Louis,” Harry extends his hand, and Louis tries to ignore his stinging disappointment at the dry greeting. It’s not like he’d been expecting the same enthusiastic welcome Zayn got.

“Harry.”

If Harry can do formal so can Louis. Just like he can watch his hand be swallowed up in the bigger one, and almost not be affected by it.

Harry drops Louis’ hand quickly. He sits down again, and smiles when Zayn takes the seat beside him. Zayn’s seat is directly across from the fit sports reporter, and that leaves Louis to take the chair across from Harry or take the one next to Liam.

It's an easy choice.

“Hi, I’m Liam, and you must be Louis. I’ve heard so much about you that I feel like I already know you.”

Louis reaches across the empty chair to shake the offered hand with lifted eyebrows. At least Liam sounds welcoming, and apparently Harry likes to talk about him. Maybe tonight won’t be that bad after all.

“Coming from Haz I’m frightened to ask what you’ve heard,” Louis says lightly, regretting his words when Liam frowns.

“Sorry? No I meant that Zayn and Niall talk about you all the time. Harold here only told me you guys attended the same college and that you used to be roommates.”

Louis doesn’t know which piece of information to process first. The fact that Niall and Zayn are apparently quite chummy with Harry’s new friend, him calling Harry _Harold_ , or Harry for once being the one to hide the true nature of their relationship.

"Had a habit of doing our own thing didn't we, Louis?” Harry asks blandly, and Louis feels like someone punched a hole in his chest and came back out with his heart.

“So, how’s life been treating you, mate?” Harry continues, not giving Louis a chance to answer the first question, and apparently determined to extract all of his vital organs.

“How’ve you been, Harry?” Louis simply rewords Harry's second question, and either Harry doesn't hear him or he ignores him.

Right now the second option sounds more plausible.

“I don’t have to introduce you two, do I?” Harry drawls, talking to Liam and Zayn now.

Louis feels a nudge to his foot under the table, and judging from the wince turned glare on Harry's face, he got a much harder one from their mutual friend.

“It’s so good to finally see you in person, but I think it was worth the wait,” Zayn says, holding his hand out.

“I’ll take that as a compliment, and I'll hand it right back to you,” Liam responds, moving his empty beer bottle out of the way to clasp Zayn’s hand.

It's a weird way for Zayn to greet Harry's friend, but the thought flies out of Louis’ head when he meets Harry's hard gaze.

Louis can’t handle it so he begins focusing all of his effort on staring a hole into the wood table.

“Louis, I hear you’re quite the footie player?” Liam pulls Louis from his task, and when he looks up he meets the friendliest pair of chocolate brown eyes he thinks he’s even seen.

“Not so much anymore. My skills have gone lacking now that I only play on the odd weekend.”

“Zayn told me about your games. I play a little myself, and I was kind of hoping we might squeeze in a match this weekend?” Liam asks hopefully.

Again the information came from Zayn, and of course the Adonis plays footie. Louis thinks Liam rescues pets, and fights crime on the side as well.

“Sure, I guess,” Louis agrees, disguising his disinterest by clearing his throat.

“Great, I look forward to it. Being on the road so much I don’t get to play as much as I’d like.”

“I bet,” Louis hopes he doesn’t sound as sarcastic as he really feels.

“Would you want to go with me to round up some more drafts?” Zayn puts in after the conversation stalls, and Louis thinks it’s the best suggestion he’s heard all year. He goes to say yes, but Zayn’s not looking at him. Instead he’s looking across the table at the sports reporter.

“I'd love to,” Liam responds with warm eyes. "Are you two going to be okay?" he adds, looking at Harry.

"You go ahead with. We'll be great, promise," Harry answers with a forced smile.

Zayn nudges Louis' foot again before getting up, and he stares as Liam guides his friend away from the table. Louis appreciates the effort to give him and Harry some alone time, but going by Harry’s actions so far, he isn’t so sure it’s a good idea.

“How are you really, Haz?” Louis asks genuinely, deciding he can at least be the one to break the ice.

“I’m great,” Harry responds, looking everywhere, but at Louis when he gives the short answer.

“Good,” Louis thinks he can do conciliatory too. “Um, Liam seems like a nice bloke.”

“The nicest.”

Louis is thrown off by the sarcasm in the dry retort, but he still gives the conversation another try. “Quite fit as well,” he cringes at the false enthusiasm in his voice.

“Swell of you to notice,” Harry utters, sounding irritated, and he finally glances across the table. “Listen, if discussing Liam’s many attributes is your idea of small talk then you can just shut it because I’m not interested,” his gaze is steady and hard, and Louis is more distressed than he has a right to be.

“I’m sorry, Harry. I told Zayn this was a bad idea, but he said you wanted me here. Which was stupid of me to believe because you know my number, and you would have asked me yourself, right? I know too much has passed between us for this to work right now, but I truly hope you’re happy, and I’m going to go now so I don’t spoil the rest of your night,” Louis knows he sounds like a bumbling idiot, but he can’t stop. “Liam really does seem like a great person. Tell Zayn I’ll be in touch. So, yeah."

Louis thinks there’s something to be said for the fact that he can get up and walk away without looking back, but he feels no satisfaction when he steps out of the bar. He was an idiot to ever listen to Zayn because there’s no way the person he left at the table wanted him there. The Harry back in the bar sounded more like he hates him.

“Louis.”

Louis’ name being called doesn’t register because he’s too focused on trying not to cry. He keeps walking until he feels a hand on his shoulder, and even through the jacket that he only now realizes he never took off, Louis knows the touch. His first instinct is to grab the hand, hold it to his heart, and never let go. His second instinct is to run away from the touch as fast as he can.

“Louis,” Harry repeats, and resisting the urge to follow his second instinct, Louis slowly turns to face his ex.

“I was wrong to act like that back there. I know you were just trying," Harry’s face is flushed and his breathing is slightly labored.

Louis is irrationally bothered by the thought of Harry running just to make the unnecessary apology. “It’s okay, Haz. I knew it was too soon for this. Maybe we can try again sometime, yeah?” he says, really just needing to go because he’s about four words away from crying.

“It’s not okay, and I’m sorry for being such a dick to you."

Okay that was more than four words, and they were kind words at that.

“No, Harry. You have every right to be angry,” Louis forces the words past his aching throat. “I’m the one who made this mess. I know this is months too late, but if I could go back and change things I would. I took you for granted, and I treated you like shit. You deserved so much better than me,” he stops to wipe his wet face, but it serves no purpose because the tears keep falling, and it doesn’t help that Harry’s face is as tortured as Louis’ words.

“I hope you’re happy, Harry, and I hope Liam does everything in his power to keep you that way. I hope he's drowning you in flowers because he knows you love them, and I hope he holds your hand all the time just because he can. Because he knows he’s the luckiest man alive to have you by his side, and I hope he never spends a single minute apart from you that he doesn’t have to. Most of all I hope Liam erases every trace of pain and unhappiness I caused you.”

Louis guesses he must look a sight from the stares he’s getting from the people passing by them, but he doesn't care. All he wants is this man who means the world to him to know how sorry he is. The same man who’s looking at him through tear filled eyes of his own.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Louis,” Harry responds brokenly.

“You don’t have to say anything, Harry. Just don’t hate me. I couldn’t bear it if I made you hate me,” Louis pleads, and because he hasn’t taken his eyes off Harry’s face the entire time, he sees the tears when they start to spill over.

Louis and Harry stand and stare at each other in the middle of the busy pavement, and it’s both heartrending and bittersweet.

Maybe it’s the closure Zayn talked about. Maybe it’s Harry forgiving Louis, and Louis finally forgiving himself for letting fear ruin the best thing he’s ever had.

Or maybe it’s just two people hurting for what was and what could have been. Maybe it’s a little of all of it, but whatever it is Louis can’t take anymore.

“See you, Haz,” Louis thinks his words don’t sound as final as goodbye, and when he walks away for the second time there’s no hand on his shoulder to stop him.

*****

*****Stop here or proceed on to happy ending*****

*****

Louis moves like a robot when he enters his flat a short time later. There’s a burning ache in his chest where his heart used to be, but at least he's stopped crying.

On habit alone Louis kicks off his shoes before going into his bedroom where he strips down to his underpants, and still in robotic mode he grabs his pillow and a throw before walking back into the living room.

He really thought the days were over when the sofa was the only place he could get a little sleep after Harry left, but there's no way Louis can sleep in their bed tonight. Not after seeing Harry so recently, and possibly not for the foreseeable future.

Because he knows Zayn, Louis retrieves his phone from the jacket he threw across the back of the sofa to turn it off. He can’t leave Niall out because when Zayn fills him in they’ll both want to console and interrogate him. Tonight Louis just can’t handle their double teaming.

Louis sighs when he lays down. At least the sofa’s comfortable, and he can be thankful that the night is over.

No, Louis is just thankful that he made it through it. The thought gives him a little comfort as he closes his eyes, but the second he settles under the throw a quiet knock has him groaning.

“That was fast," Louis mutters, and he buries his head under his pillow determined to ignore Zayn, but the knocking becomes more persistent.

Louis gets up, worried the pounding might disturb his neighbors, but he has no intentions of opening the door. “Go away, Zayn. I can’t do this right now,” he pleads, but the knocking continues. “Fuck, mate, I told you it was a bad idea, and it was,” he says through the door, only to have it followed by more knocking, and he bangs his head on the wood in frustration.

“Zayn, please. I’ll call you tomorrow. I promise."

This time Louis is met with silence, and he thinks he finally got through to his persistent friend.

“S’not Zayn. Open the door, Louis.”

The deep timbre in the voice shocks Louis into action, and he unlocks the door then jerks it open before his brain has time to give him other options.

“Harry…,” Louis starts, but the _what are you doing here_ is swallowed up by Harry’s mouth on his.

Because Louis’ mouth is already open Harry has fast access. He wastes no time licking into the wet heat, and Louis can’t hold back his small whimper at the first feel of Harry’s tongue against his in seven months. Seven months that may as well have been a lifetime, and if his moans were anything to go by, Harry suffered from the distance too.

“I don’t hate you, Louis. I could never hate you,” Harry mumble’s against Louis’ mouth, and like a starved person Louis tries to get closer, standing on his toes to wrap his arms tightly around Harry's neck.

Harry’s hands come to rest on his waist, and Louis fights the urge to rotate his pelvis against Harry’s thigh.

Harry doesn’t have the same reservations, and he pulls Louis roughly against him, circling his hips in a way that leaves little to the imagination. The movement sends a wave of pleasure through Louis, and he sounds his gratitude in Harry’s mouth.

“Haz,” Louis moans.

“Can we?” Harry asks, stepping back, and Louis has no choice but to let his arms drop to his side.

Harry’s eyes are dark with desire, his chest is moving in sync with his rapid breathing, and his jeans aren’t doing anything to hide his need.

Louis takes it all in, heady with the knowledge that he still has that effect on his ex.

“Yeah, we can,” Louis answers, immediately turning in the direction of his bedroom. Desire guides his every footstep, but once he steps inside nerves takeover. It’s been so long, and without the feel of Harry’s hands on him Louis is torn between needing to know what this means, if it means anything, and the need to feel the touch again.

Harry makes the decision for Louis when he begins to place wet kisses on the side of his neck. Goose bumps follow the path of Harry fingers as they lightly brush over both of Louis’ arms, and in a state of bliss he closes his eyes, tilting his head to the side.

Harry continues to trail down Louis’ arms until he can tangle their fingers together, and then he uses their joined hands to push Louis’ boxers down.

When Louis bends to step completely out of the material Harry bends with him trailing heated kisses along his spine.

Louis is in a small state of shock. He’s not entirely sure he’s not dreaming, but if he is he definitely doesn’t want to wake up, and he’s totally pliant as Harry guides him over to the bed they used to share. Louis drops willingly when Harry gently pushes him on the mattress, only to follow him down and gift him with a scorching kiss.

Louis feels like he’s about to pass out from need by the time Harry disconnects their lips, but the disappointment from the lack of contact disappears as soon as he realizes Harry’s taking off his own clothes.

Louis watches every move with hooded eyes. He only looks away long enough to draw the duvet back and climb in.

There’s nothing erotic about the methodical way Harry removes his clothes, but by the time he steps out of his pants Louis is having trouble breathing. Anticipation is restricting his airway, and it’s a good thing that Harry's under duvet in a matter of seconds.

He settles on his side, and for what seems like forever he stares intently at Louis, not moving, and then he’s everywhere. One hand tugs Louis closer by his hair, and Harry lifts his other hand to Louis’ chest, lazily caress him. He throws one of his legs across Louis’ thighs before leaving a trail of hot kisses across his neck and shoulders.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Louis murmurs while Harry sucks on a sensitive spot on his collar bone.

“You could've called,” Harry lifts his head to look at Louis with accusing eyes.

“I wanted to. So many times, but I didn’t think you’d answer,” Louis doesn’t try to hide the vulnerability in the breathless response. Although he preserves a little dignity by not mentioning the hundreds of times he actually almost did call the first few weeks after Harry left, only to chicken out before actually pressing call.

“I would have answered," Harry corrects him quietly.

Louis surges up for another kiss because he needs to escape the hurt in the green eyes, and he moves in a way so that Harry has no choice but to move on top of him. When he's settled between Louis’ legs they give themselves over to the kiss, devouring each other’s mouth until it’s not enough.

Harry moves first, thrusting hard against Louis’ cock, and Louis instinctively digs his fingers into the taught flesh on Harry’s hips. With almost every part of their bodies touching, Louis is caught between savoring the contact he never thought he’d experience again, and a need so strong it’s making him tremble.

“Harry,” he whispers hungrily, his lips are dry without Harry’s mouth covering them. Not that Louis is complaining. He can’t when Harry’s busy marking a path from his neck to his chest with hot kisses.

Louis licks his lips to wet them. Then he throws an arm over his mouth to smother the moans of pleasure. Moans that get louder when Harry stops to pay special attention to his nipples with tiny bites and soothing licks of his tongue. Louis’ other hand tangles in Harry’s hair, and he can't control the spasmodic jerks of his body when Harry starts biting softly at skin on his stomach. Louis wants Harry to stop and keep going at the same time, but he knows what’ll happen if he continues moving down. He loves Harry’s mouth, but it’s not what he desperately craving right now.

“I want you, Harry,” Louis hisses when Harry wraps a hand around him.

“Want you too,” Harry mumbles, placing more wet kisses on Louis’ stomach and stroking his cock lightly.

“No, Haz, I want you,” Louis stresses, not wanting to spell it out, and when Harry stops moving he knows he doesn’t have to.

“I’m not playing that game anymore, Louis,” he says between labored breaths. “You don’t have to give me something you think I want to pacify me. There’s nothing to make better this time."

“I want this. Have since the first time,” Louis admits quietly.

“It’s funny you never said anything about it.”

There’s skepticism in the reply, and Harry lets go of his grip on Louis’ painfully hard cock to brace his hands on the bed.

Afraid that Harry’s about to slide off of him Louis grabs hold of his hips and locks his legs around Harry’s waist to hold him in place.

“In all fairness you never mentioned it again either, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wanted to. I still do.”

Harry stares at him like he’s searching for an answer, but Louis takes matters into his own hands when Harry stares too long. “Do you want to, Haz?” he asks sensuously as he grinds against Harry’s stomach.

Louis is rewarded with a matching move, but Harry one ups him one with a toe curling kiss. “Of course I want to, but only if you’re sure because there’s no pressure,” Harry adds before slipping his hand in between their bodies to take Louis into his hand again. "Only this."

“Point taken,” Louis whispers against Harry’s shoulder, unable to stop his hips from thrusting into the tight fist.

There’s no rush after that. They take their time getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies, and by the time Harry reaches for a condom and lube Louis is almost out of his mind with need.

“Have you…since that one time?” Harry asks awkwardly, groaning when Louis lifts up to lick one of his nipples.

“I haven’t been with anyone else,” Louis says simply before moving to Harry’s other nipple. He hopes the confession translates to Harry just how much he meant to him. He wouldn’t mind if the same were true for his ex, but with Liam in the picture he figures it’s unlikely.

“Liam’s not my boyfriend,” Harry says, and Louis wonders if he spoke his thoughts out loud.

He also wonders if that means Harry and the sports reporter are just fuck buddies or if Harry meant they’re just friends. Louis is too afraid of the answer to ask so he moves his mouth up to Harry's neck, latching onto the skin over his pulse, and blocking out the crushing pain caused by the thought of Harry having sex with someone else.

It’s an easy escape, especially with the little sounds of pleasure coming from Harry’s throat. They sweet noises cause Louis to burn hotter, and the tremors overtaking him have nothing to do with fear. Not even when Harry finally reaches for the lube.

It has been over a year so there is some discomfort when Harry opens Louis up. There's a little more when Harry enters him, but once he’s seated all the way in he keeps still, giving Louis time to adjust.

Just like the first time, Harry keeps it at a gentle and slow pace. Even when Louis begs him to move faster he keeps his moves deliberate and measured. He has Louis’ arms pinned above his head, and with every slow thrust he hits Louis’ prostate.

“Harry, please.”

Louis pleas fall on deaf ears. He keeps begging, but it’s to no avail. Harry’s only concession is to thrust harder, but he maintains the slow in and out movements.

He does let go of Louis’ hands, and Louis immediately grips Harry’s hips painfully tight.

“So good,” Harry moans, looking into Louis’ eyes. The moves become faster and harder, and Louis can only hold tighter on as the powerful thrusts push them both closer to the edge. It’s not long before the telling tension grips him, and his blood feels like liquid lava as he hurriedly slides his hand between their bodies.

“Harry!” he hisses, and it only takes a few pumps of his fist before he’s spilling with a white fire behind his eyes and a restless tongue in his mouth. Harry comes seconds later, bruising Louis’ mouth while he kisses him through the force of his orgasm.

“Hmm,” Harry hums into Louis' mouth, and he absently caresses Harry’s sweaty back, still wrapped up in his own little aftershocks of pleasure. He still hasn't opened his eyes when Harry gives him a quick kiss before sliding carefully out of his body, and then the only sound in the room is their heavy breathing.

Harry's already staring at him when Louis finally does lift his heavy eyelids. “Are you okay?” he asks with real concern.

“Yeah,” Louis answers, hating the shaky quality to his voice.

The ensuing quietness is too much for him. To escape he gets up from the bed and heads for the door. “I’ll back in a sec,” he tells Harry, heading for the bathroom.

Louis collapses against the door when he closes it, letting the enormity of the night’s events sink in.

He started out with only the hopes of having a friendly conversation with Harry, never dreaming that he’d end up in their apartment again. Not only in their apartment but in their bed as well. The crude thought that Harry also ended up in him has Louis slapping a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing or crying hysterically.

Louis also feels a little relieved because there’s no way Harry’s with Liam in any kind of way. What just happened between them would’ve never happened if he were. That’s just not the kind of person Harry is.

By the time Louis returns to the bedroom with a warm washcloth Harry's already asleep, the used condom on the floor beside the bed.

Louis wipes him off as best as he can without disturbing him, and when he’s done he slips back under the duvet, careful not to move around too much.

Before his own eyes close the fact that Harry didn’t even make an attempt to leave is all Louis can think about.

*****

Louis is on his stomach when he wakes up, using his folded arms as a pillow, and the first thing his eyes focus on is the other person in his bed.

Harry's uncharacteristically laying on his side, and sometime during the night he moved close enough to sling his arm over Louis’ lower back.

Louis’ heart flutters because of the warm pressure, and he takes advantage of the opportunity to look his fill at the sleeping beauty of a man next to him. He's still staring when Harry begins to stir, but not wanting to be caught, he quickly closes his eyes. Still Louis senses the instant Harry’s gaze settles on him, and his heart skips a beat when he feels a soft caress against his jaw, but before he can move into the touch it’s gone.

“Fuck,” Harry whispers causing Louis’ heart to sink.

Seconds later the mattress dips, but he keeps his eyes closed, knowing the hushed noises mean Harry's getting dressed.

“Shit,” Harry curses again, and when Louis opens his eyes he's walking out of the room with only his jeans on. He has his shirt in one hand, his phone in the other, and it looks like he's making a call.

Louis jumps from the bed to follow him, only stopping long enough to throw on the boxers he had on the night before, grimacing in pain when he bends to grab them off the floor.

His bare feet make it possible for him to move quietly, and Harry's already sitting on the sofa talking on his phone when Louis finds him. He starts listening in without remorse, and unfortunately he doesn’t need to hear the other end of the conversation to understand it.

“You have every right to be angry, Liam. I’m sorry for disappearing from the bar like that, but I had some things to work out. Zayn was right, wasn’t he? I’m safe and sound.”

“It was a bit obvious, wasn't it? Now enough about me. How did your night go?”

Louis fights the urge to snatch the phone out of Harry’s hand, and throw it against the wall.

“I not changing the subject, and I’m really sorry you were worried.”

Louis jumps when Harry lets out a quick bark of laughter.

"Morning, Zayn. Yes and no, and thanks for doing that. Listen, I can't really talk right now, but I’ll see you guys in a bit. Can you put Li back on? I’m more than fine, and I love you too, you weirdo. Yes, I’ll be sure to call Niall later. No, I think you should tell him that yourself, you pervert. Now give me back, Li. Okay, please will you put Liam back on?”

The fond tone in Harry’s voice when he asks to speak to Liam again has Louis doubting his belief that Harry and the sports reporter weren’t an item.

“Hey, just wanted to make sure I’m forgiven. It’s my beautiful face is what it is. You’re welcome, but it’s a little soon to be talking about soulmates don’t you think?”

S'good to know, and I'm sure Zayn's a little relieved too. No, I can’t give you an exact time, but it’ll be soon. See you guys in a bit,” Harry ends the call, but makes no move to get up. Instead he sits staring really hard at nothing.

Behind him Louis is frozen. He's hurt and confused, but nothing can convince him that last night didn't mean something. Not even the onesided conversation, and he does what he should have done the day Harry left.

“Why didn’t you tell Liam you were with me?” Louis asks, and a millisecond later he’s stunned by the look of anger on Harry’s face when he turns abruptly.

“I didn’t know I was allowed to seeing as I recall how you react when your little secret is threatened,” Harry snaps, and Louis is at a loss for words because Harry misunderstood him.

“Aren’t you the same person who kicked me out of our bed then turned around and shared it with your best mate? The same person who pretty much freaked out if we appeared to be anything other than chums in public. You are that person aren’t you, Louis? So you don’t get to act offended when I do what you’ve asked me to do from the beginning, and don't worry, Zayn's still protecting you too, but Liam's not stupid. We disappeared at the same time last night. Not everybody is as clueless as you want them to be, Louis” he grates, getting up from the sofa.

“I didn’t mean it that way, Harry,” Louis pleads, understanding the instant skepticism and frustration on Harry’s face, but it still hurts.

“Well come on. How did you mean it?” Harry says none too kindly, and while Louis tries to find the right words Harry picks his shirt up, putting it on with angry jerks and tugs. Done he slides his phone in the back pocket of his jeans, and starts walking in Louis’ direction. “Study long…,” he mutters under his breath as he moves past him, not bothering to finish the quote.

“Wait,” Louis pleads, and when Harry turns around he has tears in his eyes. Tears that make Louis feel two inches tall. “I know you won’t believe me, but I'm not that person anymore, and I wanted you to tell Liam where you are. Who you’re with. I wanted him to know you spent last night with me, and to know that I’m more than just a roommate you hardly knew. I’m sorry for eavesdropping, but he’s not your soulmate, Harry. He really seems like a nice person, but he can’t be your soulmate because you wouldn’t be here with me if he was, and last night definitely wouldn’t have happened," Louis' voice breaks on a sob, and he realizes that he’s crying, but he doesn't care.

The frown on Harry’s face deepens. “Louis, stop. Shit, I'm sorry for acting like a dick again,” he apologizes, but Louis isn’t listening.

“I watched you last night dancing with him and you were so happy, but you and I both know it should have been me, and I just need you to give me the chance to show you that it can be me. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be with you in every way. Just don’t go to him, Harry. Please don't,” Louis knows it’s going to take more than a few weak words to convince Harry after all he put him through, but just as he’s about to try harder Harry’s mouth on his cuts him off.

The kiss isn’t long or passionate, and Louis doesn’t have time to respond before Harry is stepping back. “Shut up, Louis” he orders sweetly.

“I can do that,” Louis says, trying to smile through his tears.

“First of all Liam and I aren't together. I already told you that. He’s a really good friend, and I was wrong to let you think otherwise, even for one second."

Louis is confused, and his expression mirrors it.

“Last night when I realized you thought Liam was my boyfriend I took a bit of satisfaction in not correcting you, but that’s as close to an intimate relationship that Liam and I will ever have, and no he's not my soulmate because he's too busy trying to be Zayn's. By the way he was joking about the soulmates thing. At least that's what he's telling himself, but he’s totally gone for Zayn. How couldn't you see that?”

“Because Zayn said...,” Louis pauses midsentence because Zayn hadn’t exactly says anything other than going on and on about Harry’s new friend, and how nice and fit he was. Even before they made the plans for last night Zayn talked about how much he liked the reporter. Zayn had been telling Louis all along, but he was too busy being jealous and drawing his own conclusions to listen. "He didn’t say anything actually, at least not about you and Liam being together.”

“I gathered,” Harry deadpans before continuing. “Of course I was happy last night. Two of my good mates were finally meeting in person after months of flirting long distance, but mostly I was happy because you were going to be there, Louis. The entire blasted week all I could think about was seeing you again, and the first time I see you in way too many months it looks like you’d rather be facing the guillotine. I’m afraid I reacted badly.”

“You have to know it was because I thought I was going to have to sit through an entire night of you and your new boyfriend. Trust me that was more torturous than the thought of having my head chopped off,” Louis derides, and Harry looks oddly pleased.

“How did you fix your mind to think for one second that I could get over you in seven months? I love you, Louis, and I don’t think it would change if we were separated for a lifetime of months,” Harry declares earnestly, his eyes pleading.

Louis isn’t convinced so easily. “Then why did you sound so upset when you woke up this morning, and how can you forgive me after everything?”

“If I leave anything out here let me know,” Harry sighs, sounding pensive. “My only plans for today was to run over to Zayn’s, get a change of clothes, then stop by Donna’s to get tea and an order of those biscuits you love, and come back here to spend the day in bed with you. What I’m assuming you heard was me being frustrated because I woke up late, and that can be blamed on my inability to sleep all week.”

Harry’s explanation is enough. It melts Louis’ heart, and all of his lingering doubts. Tears burn his eyes at the of Harry trying to surprise him with the apple cinnamon biscuits that are usually sold out less than an hour after the bakery opens.

“As for forgiving you I did that a long time ago. I had to forgive myself too. I gave up too easy because you were worth fighting for,” Harry adds, tearing up again.

“No, you were right to leave. When I look back I don’t understand why or how you stayed as long you did. I was a horrible person, Harry. I was horrible to you, and no matter how many times I tell you how sorry I am it’ll never be enough. It’s why you have to let me show you. Let me prove to you that I’m not the same person.”

"I stayed so long because I loved you, Louis. I still do, more than anything, and you don’t have to prove anything to me. Last night I was serious when I said there’s no pressure. Neither one of us could ever be truly happy with that.” Harry says, frustrating Louis in the process.

“You don’t understand. I want to do this. Let me take you dancing tonight. I don’t know, let’s go on a double date with Liam and Zayn. Or we can go stand in the middle of the street right now and kiss until someone calls the cops. I love you so much, and I don’t care who knows it.”

“Louis, there really is no rush. We’re here together, let that be enough for now,” Harry urges, but it falls on deaf ears again.

“I didn’t think I’d ever have this opportunity again. I thought I lost you forever. So ask me for one thing, Harry. Just one thing to show you that it’ll be different this time,” Louis pleads, and it hits him that he needs to do this for himself just as much as needs to do it for Harry.

Harry’s next words prove he must realize it too. “Your mum. If you’re determined to do something call Jay,” he says cautiously.

During the whole hiding period Harry hated being dishonest with their parents the most, and Louis hates that he’s the reason Harry sounds uncertain.

“Okay," Louis grabs Harry’s hand to lead him back over to the sofa, and he lifts his cell from where he left it the night before, quickly dialing his mum’s number. Relieved and anxious when she picks up on the fourth ring.

“Louis?” Jay answers, sounding surprised and warm.

“Morning, mum,” Louis says after putting the call on speaker for Harry.

“Hi, lovey. It’s a bit early for you to be up on a Saturday, yes?”

“Listen mum, I need to ask you something,” Louis ignores the question, not wanting to waste time with small talk.

“Anything.”

”Yeah, so do you remember Harry my old roommate and friend?” Louis knows the question is ridiculous. He blushes because of it.

“Louis, are you feeling well? What kind of question is that? Of course I remember Harry.”

“What if I told you that we were more than just roommates and friends. What if I told you before he left Harry and I were a couple for over a year. That I love him with all of my heart, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop,” Louis looks Harry in the eyes as he speaks every heartfelt word.

“Have you been drinking, boo? You told me all of this four months ago, and nothing’s changed. I don’t care who you love as long as you’re happy, and they love you back of course. I’m just sorry that you felt you had to hide this from me for so long. I can’t help but feel responsible somehow," Jay says, and the sadness in her voice pulls him from under the spell of Harry’s gaze.

“It’s not your fault, mum. You’ve been wonderful, and I love you for it,” he honestly reassures her.

“I love you too,” Jay sniffs. “So, are we missing Harry this morning? I wish I could make…wait a minute is Harry there? Louis, is he with you!” she exclaims, making no attempt to hide the excitement in her voice.

“Hi, Jay,” Harry drawls into the phone.

“Harry, it’s so good to hear your voice,” Jay says tearfully.

“Same here,” Harry replies sincerely, looking at Louis with something like wonder in his eyes.

“Does this mean you’re back because I can tell you I've never seen someone so lost…” Jay gets out before Louis cuts her off.

“Thanks for the help, mum. I’ll call you later. Okay, bye,” he rushes, ending the call before his mother can embarrass him any more than she already has.

“You told her,” Harry pulls him in for a hug, almost crushing him.

Louis melts into the needed embrace. “I’m not hiding anymore. From anyone,” he shrugs, hoping Harry really gets it now. “Do you maybe want to call Anne next?”

“She knows, Louis,” Harry admits, sounding resigned. “She told me she knew even before I introduced you. Said she could hear in my voice when I talked about you, but I promise she didn’t say anything until I moved back home. I didn’t deny it. Sorry if that upsets you.”

“You should've never had to lie in the first place. I'm really happy that she knows,” Louis says, and it’s another truth attesting to just how far he’s come.

“Jay said you told her months ago. Why didn’t you call me? I think I deserved to know,” Harry says quietly, and Louis leans back to look him in the eyes.

There’s so much to tell Harry about his coming out, but they can save that for later. Right now Louis has to address the pain in his boyfriend’s voice. At least he hopes he can call Harry that again.

“Don’t think for a minute I didn’t want to tell you, but if I had it would've seemed like one more thing in a long list of things I did for the wrong reasons. It had to be something I did for myself. Whether I ever saw you again or not.”

“I think I understand, but I can’t help wishing I was here for you. I’m so proud of you, but I know it had to be tough,” Harry responds solemnly before pulling Louis back into his arms. “I can’t believe Zayn and Niall kept quiet all this time.”

“Blame me for that. I begged them not to say anything to you, and when I explained why they understood, even if they didn’t agree with my reasons. By the way, Stan told me I’d better find a way to apologize for him. Wouldn’t speak to me for two weeks for treating you the way I did and for putting him in the middle. Funny, he didn’t blink when I told him I was gay,” Louis tries to make it sound light, but it comes out more broken. Losing Harry and coming out in the same period took more out of him than he’ll ever admit.

“I love you,” Harry mouths against his neck. “Have from the start.”

It’s not the first time Harry’s says the words to Louis. Probably won’t the last, and finally Louis gets it. He tried to run from it, tried to hate Harry for it, but deep down he knew it too. Louis was too repressed to call it love the first time he set eyes on the curly haired boy with the camera hanging from his neck, but he did know his life had forever changed. That fact was just as undeniable then as it is now

“I love you too, Harry. I probably won’t ever be able to properly express just how much, but I do,” Louis vows, his voice full of emotion. “Come back home, don’t leave again,” he adds because that’s the one thing they haven’t discussed, but the minute the words are out Louis recognizes the selfishness in them. “Or I’m sure there’s a need for drama teachers somewhere near Holmes Chapel if that’s what you want. I don’t care as long as I’m with you.”

It really doesn't matter where they live as long as Louis doesn’t have to go another day without Harry in his life. There’ll be minor details to work out, but nothing they couldn’t handle as long as they’re together.

“I think it’s safe to say my body’s back, but my heart never left,” Harry drawls hoarsely before kissing the oxygen from Louis’ lungs.

Louis kisses Harry back greedily, and he’s pretty sure they made an even trade because Harry most definitely took his heart with him when he left.

“Now that we’ve established I’m a proper sap how about I head out for that tea and whatever kind of biscuits Donna’s hasn’t sold out of?” Harry suggests after they finally pull apart.

“Only if you’d like the company of a certain someone who’d love the opportunity to hold your hand in front of the every person in London if you'd allow him to,” Louis asks timidly, but with hope shining in his eyes. He’d do it in front of the whole world if given the chance.

“I’d like that, Louis. I’d like it a lot.”

*****

An hour later Louis and Harry are peering into the display case at Donna’s, and by some miracle there are still two of the apple cinnamon biscuits left.

Maybe even more miraculously Louis hasn’t let go of Harry’s hand since they walked out of the flat, and not because he’s trying to prove something. It’s not even because he’s scared. No, Louis keeps his fingers entwined with Harry’s just because he can. Because he’s the luckiest man alive to have Harry by his side.

They decided to shower before leaving the flat, and that gave Harry the opportunity to ask Louis more than once if he was certain he was ready to take such a big step.

Each time Harry asked Louis assured him that he’d never been more ready for anything in his life. It still broke his heart to see Harry more anxious than he was over them going out in public as a couple for the first time. It hurt even more when Harry even offered to drive the couple of blocks to the bakery as an easy out.

Louis wouldn’t even consider it even though he knew there’d be a good number of people out and about on a Saturday morning.

They did receive curious looks, maybe even a couple of frowns, but Louis thinks there were more greetings and smiles than anything. In all honesty he was too caught up in the thrill of his first open walk with Harry as his boyfriend to really pay attention to any of the reactions.

“We’ll take the last two apple cinnamon biscuits, and two teas, please. One plain, one with cream,” Harry places their order with Louis pressed to his side, still holding his hand.

Louis doesn’t miss the hint of pride in Harry’s voice nor does he fail to notice that Harry’s grip on his hand tightens ever so slightly. Not too much, but just enough pressure for it to mean something.

Louis is also pretty sure the cashier is wondering why Harry’s smiling like he won a prize worth a million pounds.

Louis is overwhelmed to know that he’s the reason for the smile, and he sends up a silent thanks. In spite of all the heartache somehow Harry still loves him, and he's giving Louis another chance to be the man he deserves.

Harry smiles at Louis while they wait for their tea and biscuits. His eyes are shining with so much love that Louis has to blink away tears. Somehow he manages to smile back, and when they walk out of the bakery a few minutes later, he tightens his hold on Harry’s hand ever so slightly.

Not too much, but just enough pressure for it to mean everything.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Again thanks so much for reading! Of the two this was my favorite, and I really hope it was okay.


End file.
